Graduation

This week we celebrated the graduation of one of our earliest outpatient clients – a man no one expected to last more than a few weeks. His success is an example of what can happen with even the most resistant client if they stick around.

At first he didn't participate much in group sessions. He would say things like “I have to be here, but I don’t have to like it.” Then he would slump in his chair with his arms folded. And only respond when asked a question.

He did something similar in individual sessions. Sometimes he would go through half the session with his arms folded on the desk in front of him and resting his head as if he weren't paying attention.

However, his attitude didn't deter us. And eventually he started opening up. He picked up tools to help him deal with his frustration and anger. He started talking about how he'd defused confrontations with others. He stopped making big deals out of everything.

During the past few months he became more accepting of others. He started realizing that most of his problems were of his own making. And that he had the power to change.

There were a few moist eyes when he spoke at his graduation.

More Success

A client who's attending college talked of the stressful weekend he spent after taking a test on the previous Friday. 

After sweating through  the 2 1/2 hour exam he said he agonized both Saturday and Sunday over what the results might be. He was sure he’d flunked, that he might be dropped from the course.

But to his surprise and gratification he found learned he’d earned a B on the test – that he hadn't come near failing.

Because of his history as a long-term drug user who spent years in prison he sometimes faces challenges with self-esteem. On one hand he knows he's bright.  But on the other, his addictions have prevented him from realizing his potential.

As regards his self-esteem he’s like many of us in recovery. When we first get sober we enter a new culture, a new territory of unfamiliar values and mores. Almost like immigrants from another country we try to assimilate into this new culture, sometimes without the tools we need. Many of us addicts were middle-aged when we got sober. So not only are we trying to figure out a new way of life, we are also competing with many others our age who spent their whole lives working hard and trying to get ahead.

And then there’s that small insistent voice somewhere inside us that says “I don’t deserve this success after what I've done to myself.”

Our job at TLC is to help clients to ignore this voice and recognize they can enjoy success if they’re willing to pursue it.

Relapse is Waiting.

The specter of relapse, in its many guises, hides in unexpected places waiting for all of us. And if we're prepared, if we're spiritually fit, we’re able to fend off the temptation.

But this weekend, a former manager with over 90 days sober forgot the tools he learned and got drunk. Also a few others, some with considerable education in how to stay clean and sober, followed suit.

Once again, this illustrates the pitfalls that face us if we don't apply what we know. Those of us who've been sober 15 or 20 years face the same temptations as anyone else. The only difference is that we’re able to apply the tools we've learned in the 12-step programs and other educational settings.

When times are tough, or emotions are running high, our first choice is not relapse. We make the choice to stay sober no matter what. We may go to a meeting. We may call our sponsor. We may talk to a friend. But one thing we don't do is pick up a drink or drug. Because then we not only have the same problems that inspired us to pick up the drugs – now we also face the prospect of getting sober again.

A memory that helps keep my sobriety in perspective is to recall how demoralized and beaten down I was when I first stumbled into a detox January 13 of 1991.

I had seventy-three cents in my pocket. I’d lost my car. I'd lost my corporate job. I was homeless. Plus I was facing criminal charges for minor offenses committed while drinking and drugging. It’s as clear to me today as it was nearly 22 years ago.

Whatever happens in my life – I don't want to start over.

Lying to Ourselves

An addict told himself a lie yesterday. He told himself that because his drug of choice wasn't alcohol – that he was just a heroin addict – he would be able to drink. So he did.

And now he's in a detoxification unit with a hangover, trying to figure out what happened. Even though he didn't use heroin his first time out, I’m sure that would've been his next step.

A lot of people in new recovery believe they only have a problem with their drug of choice. But our experience at TLC is that if one is a real addict they're not able to drink or use anything. Experience has taught us that no matter what we use, whether it be marijuana, cocaine, meth, or alcohol, if we indulge in it we’ll eventually find our way back to our drug of choice.

Because heroin was my drug of choice I would plan – while still in jail – to only use other types of drugs. "I'll just drink." "I'll just smoke pot and take a few pills." I'll only use on my days off - but stay away from heroin."

But it never worked. Within days I found myself knocking on the dope house door – looking for heroin. That was always the beginning of the end, the path back to jail.

In the 12-step literature there's a line that says "half measures availed us nothing." While that might seem arbitrary and dogmatic, this is the only thing that works for a true addict.

Being Used

While we help anyone who shows up with a desire to stay sober, we cast a wary eye at those who receive a monthly Social Security check.  That's because a large percentage of clients who show up with Social Security disability have a pattern.

Those are the ones who show up the last half of the month, who are sick, broke, and homeless, asking for help.

And the rap is always the same, "When I get my check on the first I'll pay what I owe and a month in advance." But our experience has been – more than half the time - that they take the check and disappear. Then we’re left holding the bag for a couple weeks of room and board.

If they do that once, then want to come back, we always require them to make a large deposit before we let them in again.

We do have clients on Social Security who’ve been with us for years and it can be a good arrangement for everyone. They have a safe and sober environment - and we're helping an addict with limited resources to live sober.

But those are the ones who were ready.

Look in the Mirror

A client with a long history of alcoholism and drug abuse, who was sent to treatment by his employer, surprised no one this week when he announced he was leaving.

Although no one asked for an explanation, he explained at length that he had to take care of his children, that he didn't like congregate living, his girlfriend needed his help, and so forth.

None of us was surprised because while in the program this man never focused on the real issue: himself. He had complaints about the quality of the food at TLC. His bed was uncomfortable. His roommates were too noisy. He was worried about his children. He was concerned about his girlfriend.

But he never – as was suggested more than once – looked in the mirror at the source of his problems.

Probably the one of the biggest lessons we learn in successful recovery is that we're responsible. No one else put drugs in our arms. Or poured alcohol down our throats. No one forced us to drive drunk. No one suggested we show up at the job under the influence.

What this man fails to realize – and he may realize it one day – is that if he works on his recovery everything else will work out. We have many clients who focus on finding a job and getting back to where they used to be before their disease took them down. 

And they seem to have a sense of disbelief when we suggest they work on their core issue, their sobriety. Then everything will work out as it should. It often takes a lot of failure for people to realize this key element of changing their life.

And when clients tell me of all the peripheral things they need to get their lives together, I tell them to let us know how that works out. 

Courageous Mothers

While I care about all our TLC clients, there's a particular group I have great respect for. And that group is the mothers who've put their children in good homes - sometimes for years - while they work on their own recovery.

While most readers will say this is the positive and responsible thing to do, it's an emotionally wrenching decision that many parents don't have the courage to make. Many women receive criticism from family members or others who think it's reprehensible to give up children for any reason.

But to me it’s a sign of character for a parent to place the child in a positive environment. People who make this kind of self-evaluation not only show love for their children, but respect for themselves. And later on, the child will likely understand and be grateful for the parent’s decision to improve both of their lives.

One mother I speak of placed her son in a long term situation several years ago. They visit on holidays and weekends, call regularly, and have an excellent relationship. When mother and child discuss the arrangement both agree it's the best situation at the moment.

Another mother has a good long-distance relationship with a child who's residing with family members in another state. They seem to have a relationship that works for both of them - because it's in the best interest of the child and the recovering parent.