Another Young Life

My youngest daughter sent a sad email this week, telling of the death of the younger brother of a close friend from grammar school days.

She said the 21-year-old was discovered dead the night before from a combination of alcohol and drugs.

All she could do was give her friend flowers and condolences. And the next day she said how happy she was that I gotten clean and sober 22 years ago.

And, of course, I share the same sentiments. Had I not walked into the light 22 years ago I wouldn't have lasted long – definitely not 22 years..

I was always a user who knew nothing of restraint. And before I finally had a spiritual awakening I was on the fast track to either prison or death. There was no point to moderation.

It’s one thing to read about an overdose in the news. But when it happens to a someone who’s once or twice removed, it brings home the reality of our deadly disease.

In the Blink of an Eye...

It happened in a blink yesterday afternoon.

One minute, my close friend and I were standing at the edge of a small pool of water. In the next second, before I could react, my friend accidentally slipped into the pool and sank below the surface.

I made a heroic and quick attempt at rescue, but to no avail. My friend didn't respond. The two second immersion in the toilet had killed my iPhone five. A sad, sudden, digital death.

My immediate reaction was, "Oh my God! I have so many things to do, I don't know how I'm going to survive without my phone."

Not only do I use it for calls, I also use it to take notes, I use it to read, search the Internet, play games, take pictures, and so much more. How would I survive the rest of the day? After I swirled all of these questions around in my brain I got into quick acceptance. For the moment, I was powerless.

My next clients were already scheduled. The one bit of business I had to take care of I could do by email. I could probably make it through the rest of the day.

After a while though I got a different sense of reality. All of a sudden, I had a strange peace in my life. I was no longer tethered to the larger outside world. If anyone wanted to get in touch they’d have to call my office, or get in touch with my wife or one of my business associates. Otherwise, I was pretty much incommunicado.

Even though it's unrealistic to be in the 21st century and not to be digitally connected, peace descended upon me. No sudden insistent rings that I had to pay attention to. No obsessive urge to scan email. No having to keep track of my constant companion. It was great. In spite of that nagging feeling that I was missing something very important.

All of this will be resolved by the time you read this. My wife quickly went into action and ordered a new phone-Which will be delivered sometime this morning by FedEx.

I’ll be connected again.

A Frightening Moment...

Since I’ve been sober I’ve rarely been overcome by raw, gut-wrenching, fear.

But I was on Tuesday after I received a frantic call from one of my daughters. She said that while talking with my wife the call suddenly dropped after my wife said a man was trying to get into the passenger side of her car.

The incident happened after my wife pulled into the lot of a fast food restaurant to talk with my daughter without the distraction of driving.

While she talked, a young thug came to the passenger side and pulled the door handle. When he realized it was locked, he started shouting and beating on the glass with his fist,

Fortunately he was interrupted by the manager of the fast food restaurant who happened to step outside to empty trash. The manager quickly started toward the car, at the same time dialing 911. At that point the thug ran off, but was apprehended a few moments later by police.

And several minutes after that I was able to speak with my wife and learn she was safe and the police were present.

Even though she wasn’t physically injured I was concerned because my wife had been nearly murdered by a stranger when she was nine – trauma that left physical and emotional scars that she carries to this day. This incident had to bring flashbacks.

When I saw her 15 minutes later she was still shaky. But by evening she’d determined that this incident was not going to take up a lot of her head space.  That this thug wasn’t going to control her life.

What did I learn from this?  For one thing, how much I love my wife.  Also, how vulnerable I can be when my loved ones are threatened.  And, how blessed we are that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

Thank God.

On a Mission

While at the fitness center yesterday morning a businessman and I were discussing the importance of having a mission in life.

It began after I mentioned that my wife and I were going to start spending more time at the beach next year.

"So," he said, "you're going to retire?"

"Not really," I replied. "I go crazy when I'm not doing nothing. I'll probably keep doing what I'm doing now the rest of my life. Just take longer breaks."

He went on to tell me of his involvement with his business, his church, and the Boy Scouts. He said these were the things that kept his heart beating.

From a recovery perspective I think a mission in life is paramount. It doesn't matter too much what it is, as long as it's positive.

It can be attending 12-step meetings on a regular basis. Sponsoring a couple of people. Maybe fitness. Getting an education, trying to learn something new - whether in or out of school. Maybe riding your bicycle 50 miles. Perhaps becoming a better parent by becoming more involved with our children.

There doesn't have to be a template for a mission. For a mission to succeed it should come from the heart. It must be something we dream about, something that occupies our daydreams.

When we're pursuing our mission we're lost in the flow of life, kind of living like children who always seem to be totally engrossed in the moment, enjoying what they do.

Keeping the Peace

Communication is one of the biggest problems with managing an organization as large as TLC.

With some 75 employees and volunteers, it's easy to experience frequent communication breakdowns.

We have some employees – typical of addicts and alcoholics – who have fragile egos.

When another employee steps into their territory, or area of responsibility, they very often react with anger or frustration.

So one of my major responsibilities is to keep balance between these competing interests.

We all look at the world through our own glasses, which are tinted by our egos, our self-interests, and our desire to look as good as we can – myself included...

At the end of the day I’m happy when everyone has their issues addressed. Their egos patched up.  And they feel like that they’re still in charge of their part of the company.

My ultimate responsibility is to make sure we have our eyes on our mission: to help recovering substance abusers rebuild their lives.

When it comes to helping others, our self-centered ego-driven behavior is secondary. 

The real thing is about giving people an opportunity to change – and maybe save – their lives.

Publicity Agents

"You a friend of Bill W?" the new pool guy asked me.

When I confirmed I was a long-time friend of Bill W, and that I also worked at TLC, he got a look on his face – the look of those who’d heard bad things about the program.

But after he explained that he had a few sponsees who’d been ejected from TLC for non-compliance, I understood. The unsuccessful seldom have much good to say.

And he agreed he’s never heard bad things about our program from successful graduates.

Many addicts come to TLC seeking help because they can get in without money. But after a few meals and some rest they realize that the help we offer will require them to make some serious changes in their life.

And at that point they get pissed off and leave, usually owing money we’ll probably never collect.

I have a staff member who once suggested we change the name of our program, call it something else so that we wouldn't be affected by all of the negative publicity from those who haven't succeeded.

But my attitude is that the negative publicity is a form of positive advertising. Those who don't succeed, who badmouth us, really let the world know that we don't cater to those who aren't willing to follow suggestions.

Listening to My Own Music

Last week a long-time business associate stopped by the office to chat. During his visit he related how he ran into a businessman who was giving me a lot of credit for his recovery.

"He saved my life about five years ago," he told my friend.

There was more to the story, but apparently the man told how he’d come to TLC homeless and broke. He stayed almost a year, then went on to rebuild his life. Today he has his family back, a nice home, and is earning a six figure income. My business associate was impressed.

"Doesn't that make you feel good?" He asked me, noting my lack of reaction.

"It does," I replied. "But it's not good for me to spend a lot of time listening to my own music."

I explained to him that we provide a structure for people who want to get clean and sober. Whether they do that or not is between them and God. The way I provide the structure is between me and God.

It’s unhealthy to spend much time thinking about the good things people say about me and TLC. If I did that, then I'd also have to pay attention to the bad things people say. Positive outcomes and negative outcomes say a lot more about our client than it does about me or the program.

The one who deserves the credit for success is the man himself. Just like all of those who succeed at TLC, he put in the hard work to make it happen. And the same goes for those who don't make it: they're the authors of their own failure because of their lack of effort in improving their lives.

Yes, I love compliments. But for me to have a healthy outlook I can't pay a lot of attention to the good or the bad things people say.

Any credit at all it goes to the loving God who saved my life.