How am I starting my day?
Have I awakened with a load of problems on my to-do list?
Before I even put my feet on the floor am I trying to figure out how I'm going to accomplish everything I must do?
If this is the way I begin, my day might not go very smoothly.
Perhaps I should begin again. After all, we’re allowed to start our day over.
So let's take a few deep breaths and get centered. Feel the oxygen penetrating deep into our lungs. Feel our circulation awakening.
We look around, noticing our circumstances. Maybe we say silent words of gratitude for the many blessings in our lives.
Maybe among those blessings are our health. Or perhaps our loved ones. Maybe something as simple as that we have a home. That we live in a secure country. That we have a job.
When we start our day like this, with a moment of reflection, things might go better.
Then when the rush of responsibility comes upon us, we are able to handle things with calmness and confidence.
Click here to email John
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Her Boyfriend's Hungry
I received a snarky email a few days ago from a halfway house resident's girlfriend.
She complains that our Roosevelt house has none of the amenities mentioned on our website.
She says there's no art therapy or yoga. That the food is inadequate because her boyfriend is always hungry. And that the building is "ghetto."
She also wonders just what they are "getting for $110 a week."
I suggested that she had our treatment program and the halfway house mixed up. That she should check our site again.
I didn't go much further with my response though. Because I realized she must be young and not have much experience in life.
After all, I'm not sure what economy she lives in. Because I don't know of anyplace that will house and feed a person for $110 a week. And we offer more than that in the form of job help, peer counseling, and recovery support.
Now I'm the first to admit our property's not the best. We have a dozen full-time maintenance and construction people who work to keep our buildings in good shape. And they do well.
But our place is not the Meadows, Betty Ford Clinic, or Recovery in Malibu. And we don't represent it as such. In fact, as this resident's girlfriend said, it's in the middle of one of the larger ghettos in Phoenix.
However, we do tell our clients and residents that if they do what we say they'll stay clean and sober.
And that's the same thing the fancy, expensive places tell their clients – only they charge $40,000 to $90,000 a month for their help.
She complains that our Roosevelt house has none of the amenities mentioned on our website.
She says there's no art therapy or yoga. That the food is inadequate because her boyfriend is always hungry. And that the building is "ghetto."
She also wonders just what they are "getting for $110 a week."
I suggested that she had our treatment program and the halfway house mixed up. That she should check our site again.
I didn't go much further with my response though. Because I realized she must be young and not have much experience in life.
After all, I'm not sure what economy she lives in. Because I don't know of anyplace that will house and feed a person for $110 a week. And we offer more than that in the form of job help, peer counseling, and recovery support.
Now I'm the first to admit our property's not the best. We have a dozen full-time maintenance and construction people who work to keep our buildings in good shape. And they do well.
But our place is not the Meadows, Betty Ford Clinic, or Recovery in Malibu. And we don't represent it as such. In fact, as this resident's girlfriend said, it's in the middle of one of the larger ghettos in Phoenix.
However, we do tell our clients and residents that if they do what we say they'll stay clean and sober.
And that's the same thing the fancy, expensive places tell their clients – only they charge $40,000 to $90,000 a month for their help.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Being a Victim
(I share the following because it shows what we do sometimes to our family and others.)
A mother sends a 1000 word email to tell me of the pain she's in because of the way her addict son is treating her.
He abuses her verbally. She's spent so much on him that she's losing her house. He creates problems in her marriage because his stepfather doesn't want him on their property. Plus he makes threats when she won't help him.
The email goes on to list his troubled history. He's committed crimes and gone to jail. He's fathered children he doesn't support. He's on probation in two different states. The list goes on.
His behavior has caused so much stress that she's been in the emergency room twice recently. On top of that, her husband is ill and her dog is paralyzed.
People have told her she should cut her son loose. To quit helping him because he's manipulating her. But she won't. She says she loves him too much.
She wonders if TLC can help.
And I tell her we can help if he wants it. But it doesn't sound like he does.
I suggest that she quit being a victim. And that she let him go before he creates more stress in her life. The same thing others have told her.
But I doubt if she will. She says she "worries" so much about him being out in the cold, hungry, and without transportation.
And as long as she feels that way he'll keep misusing her.
Click her to email John
A mother sends a 1000 word email to tell me of the pain she's in because of the way her addict son is treating her.
He abuses her verbally. She's spent so much on him that she's losing her house. He creates problems in her marriage because his stepfather doesn't want him on their property. Plus he makes threats when she won't help him.
The email goes on to list his troubled history. He's committed crimes and gone to jail. He's fathered children he doesn't support. He's on probation in two different states. The list goes on.
His behavior has caused so much stress that she's been in the emergency room twice recently. On top of that, her husband is ill and her dog is paralyzed.
People have told her she should cut her son loose. To quit helping him because he's manipulating her. But she won't. She says she loves him too much.
She wonders if TLC can help.
And I tell her we can help if he wants it. But it doesn't sound like he does.
I suggest that she quit being a victim. And that she let him go before he creates more stress in her life. The same thing others have told her.
But I doubt if she will. She says she "worries" so much about him being out in the cold, hungry, and without transportation.
And as long as she feels that way he'll keep misusing her.
Click her to email John
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Like a Buffet
Most who come to us for help are desperate. And because we take them in without money they're willing to do whatever we ask.
And what we ask of them is pretty simple:
-Submit to drug and alcohol screening.
-Work and pay $110 a week service fee.
-Clean their rooms and do chores around the house.
-Break no laws.
-Attend house meetings as well as 12-step meetings.
-No violence or threats.
-No chronic bad attitude.
-No sex on the property.
These are simple rules. Many of them the same things the average citizen does.
Yet, after a while, some clients find them hard to follow. They start treating the program like it's a buffet - just taking the parts they like.
It's kind of like they say "I want help and here's the kind of help I want." Once they start feeling better and gain a few pounds they forget why they came to us.
We've actually had clients say "I'm a grown-ass man and no one's going to tell me what to do." Yet, in reality, that's what clients pay us for - to tell them how to re-direct their lives.
And when they get this resistant attitude that's when problems start.
And it's always resolved the same way: clients either become compliant or else we send them to find someone who'll do things their way.
And if they don't find anyone who'll do it their way we'll give them another chance. But this time on our terms.
And what we ask of them is pretty simple:
-Submit to drug and alcohol screening.
-Work and pay $110 a week service fee.
-Clean their rooms and do chores around the house.
-Break no laws.
-Attend house meetings as well as 12-step meetings.
-No violence or threats.
-No chronic bad attitude.
-No sex on the property.
These are simple rules. Many of them the same things the average citizen does.
Yet, after a while, some clients find them hard to follow. They start treating the program like it's a buffet - just taking the parts they like.
It's kind of like they say "I want help and here's the kind of help I want." Once they start feeling better and gain a few pounds they forget why they came to us.
We've actually had clients say "I'm a grown-ass man and no one's going to tell me what to do." Yet, in reality, that's what clients pay us for - to tell them how to re-direct their lives.
And when they get this resistant attitude that's when problems start.
And it's always resolved the same way: clients either become compliant or else we send them to find someone who'll do things their way.
And if they don't find anyone who'll do it their way we'll give them another chance. But this time on our terms.
Friday, March 27, 2015
Forms of Denial
Denial takes many forms. And sometimes they're very subtle.
My favorite is when clients say they have trouble getting sober because they're different from other clients. They can't relate, so they're uncomfortable.
The difference may be racial. It may be religious. It may be social background.
We've had school teachers. Ex- convicts. Lawyers. Rocket scientists. Developmentally disabled. The gamut.
We've had most ethnic groups. White, brown, native, black and some in-between.
We've had every major religion. Including Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims and Jews.
But some of these clients left because they felt like an outsider. That they don't belong. At least that's what they said.
But I believe it has more to do with denial and resistance to change.
Because if one's religion, or ethnicity, or social background were so important why didn't it keep them sober?
Denial says I'm different. I'm special. I'm not like you.
Denial doesn't let us see how we're alike. Because if I see how I'm just like you then maybe I can follow you into recovery. But if I can separate myself from you - for whatever reason - then you can't be my example.
When I got sober I took help from everyone. And I still do.
I don't care if you're green and from outer space. If you can help me over the pain of my addictions then that's all that counts.
My favorite is when clients say they have trouble getting sober because they're different from other clients. They can't relate, so they're uncomfortable.
The difference may be racial. It may be religious. It may be social background.
We've had school teachers. Ex- convicts. Lawyers. Rocket scientists. Developmentally disabled. The gamut.
We've had most ethnic groups. White, brown, native, black and some in-between.
We've had every major religion. Including Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims and Jews.
But some of these clients left because they felt like an outsider. That they don't belong. At least that's what they said.
But I believe it has more to do with denial and resistance to change.
Because if one's religion, or ethnicity, or social background were so important why didn't it keep them sober?
Denial says I'm different. I'm special. I'm not like you.
Denial doesn't let us see how we're alike. Because if I see how I'm just like you then maybe I can follow you into recovery. But if I can separate myself from you - for whatever reason - then you can't be my example.
When I got sober I took help from everyone. And I still do.
I don't care if you're green and from outer space. If you can help me over the pain of my addictions then that's all that counts.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Unique Business
The halfway house business has a unique hiring policy.
That's because the best people to manage the houses are recovering addicts who've been clean for a while. And it doesn't hurt if they also have an arrest record.
It's a resume that gives them credibility with the clients. Plus, with this background it's harder for clients to get over on them.
But having this type of employee has obvious risks.
For example, yesterday a manager and his assistant suddenly quit at one of our outlying houses. And when that happens we always wonder what was going on beforehand.
Because decisions like are rarely spur of the moment. Maybe they became lazy or dissatisfied with the job. Could have found a girlfriend. Maybe wanted more money. Could have felt like using. Or perhaps they were already using. We don't know.
With sudden departures like this we first do an audit to see if anything is missing. And often there will be discrepancies with the money. Even though it won't be a huge amount.
Whatever it is, it'll eventually come to the surface.
In the meantime, we have another addict stepping into the job. And we can only hope he does a better job than his predecessor.
That's because the best people to manage the houses are recovering addicts who've been clean for a while. And it doesn't hurt if they also have an arrest record.
It's a resume that gives them credibility with the clients. Plus, with this background it's harder for clients to get over on them.
But having this type of employee has obvious risks.
For example, yesterday a manager and his assistant suddenly quit at one of our outlying houses. And when that happens we always wonder what was going on beforehand.
Because decisions like are rarely spur of the moment. Maybe they became lazy or dissatisfied with the job. Could have found a girlfriend. Maybe wanted more money. Could have felt like using. Or perhaps they were already using. We don't know.
With sudden departures like this we first do an audit to see if anything is missing. And often there will be discrepancies with the money. Even though it won't be a huge amount.
Whatever it is, it'll eventually come to the surface.
In the meantime, we have another addict stepping into the job. And we can only hope he does a better job than his predecessor.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Being Willing
I often talk to clients who are down on themselves because they haven't done much with their lives.
Drugs and alcohol took over. And here they are in their twenties, thirties and beyond with little to show.
No assets. No car. No job skills. Maybe no friends. The future looks scary.
Sometimes they mention family and others their age who are doing well. They may be finishing school. Or running a business. It can be depressing.
But my counsel is that it doesn't have to stay that way. If one is willing to put in the work. I know, because I was there in my first year of recovery.
I was 51 years old. Riding a bicycle. Taking busses. Walking. Doing day labor in the Arizona summer.
Sometimes I'd put a five gallon bucket of water on the back of my bike and ride down main street washing windows for a few dollars. Whatever it took to pay my rent at the halfway house.
I worked hard to stay sober and rebuild my life. And that was the key: determination and perseverance.
Within a year I bought three ratty houses on the same lot with no money down. I started my own halfway house program - while working a full-time job.
I painted and cleaned those houses until they were okay for people to live in. Soon they were full and I found some more.
Within a year we were so busy that I had to quit my full time job. I worked at the halfway house for two years without a paycheck, just room and board. But I kept on, magically leasing and buying more property.
Addicts came to us for help, wanting to get sober. And wanting to give back. Together we built a community that today numbers over 700 people. A group that's trying to salvage what's left of their lives.
The point of all this is that if you want something and are willing to put in a lot of work with no promises of anything - you might just succeed.
No assets. No car. No job skills. Maybe no friends. The future looks scary.
Sometimes they mention family and others their age who are doing well. They may be finishing school. Or running a business. It can be depressing.
But my counsel is that it doesn't have to stay that way. If one is willing to put in the work. I know, because I was there in my first year of recovery.
I was 51 years old. Riding a bicycle. Taking busses. Walking. Doing day labor in the Arizona summer.
Sometimes I'd put a five gallon bucket of water on the back of my bike and ride down main street washing windows for a few dollars. Whatever it took to pay my rent at the halfway house.
I worked hard to stay sober and rebuild my life. And that was the key: determination and perseverance.
Within a year I bought three ratty houses on the same lot with no money down. I started my own halfway house program - while working a full-time job.
I painted and cleaned those houses until they were okay for people to live in. Soon they were full and I found some more.
Within a year we were so busy that I had to quit my full time job. I worked at the halfway house for two years without a paycheck, just room and board. But I kept on, magically leasing and buying more property.
Addicts came to us for help, wanting to get sober. And wanting to give back. Together we built a community that today numbers over 700 people. A group that's trying to salvage what's left of their lives.
The point of all this is that if you want something and are willing to put in a lot of work with no promises of anything - you might just succeed.
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