Gratitude

I was at a 12 step meeting where the topic was gratitude. It's one we often hear at recovery meetings. In fact, we hear it so often it might be considered cliche.

Yet, it's probably one of the most important concepts in recovery. As someone at the meeting said, it's very difficult to have gratitude and also relapse at the same time.

The speaker was a young woman who had been sober for some time. She told a compelling story of how she got into alcohol and drugs. She talked about the trouble she got into. She talked about almost losing her children.

But the main thing she talked about was the gratitude that she has for her life today. She has her daughter back. She and her husband are getting along better than ever. Have a nice place to live. And she has a decent job where she works long hours – but at least is able to pay the bills.

Generally speaking the plot is always the same at a 12 step meeting. What it was like. What happened. And what it's like today.

The most compelling part is what's going on today. Because that's how the people who come to the meeting learn. They find out that if they apply the principles of the 12-step programs that their life can be entirely different.

If they follow the steps they have a 100% chance of staying sober.

That's because the program has 12 simple progressive steps to guide us into a new way of living. And if we follow them diligently we have a good chance of living free of substances for the rest of our lives.

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Success Rate

A parent interested in our program asked me about our success rate.

She seemed surprised when I told I wasn't sure. That we didn't know of any way to keep track of who succeeds and who relapses.

And I added that any program that claims a huge success rate is being disingenuous. Either that or they're spending a lot of money doing surveys and taking random drug tests. But such follow up is unrealistic for anyone in the long term. Maybe the government can afford these kinds of studies. But I don't know of any honest program that can say for sure if clients are succeeding after they graduate.

I mean, think about it for a moment. When a client walks out the door how do you know what he or she is doing? Do you know if they're drinking. Smoking pot? Using heroin.

Oh, we hear things. We get a rumor that so and so is using. Or a former client might call back and say they now have a great job. Or they're starting a business. Or getting married. But unless you have someone at their side 24 hours a day you can't be sure of what they're doing.

I think those who follow our strict guidelines and participate in our groups and individual sessions have a good chance of living a sober life. And we often have parents send other family members who are having problems.

But I would be lying if I gave anyone a percentage rate of how many succeed. I do think we do as good a job as other programs that offer the services we do. But there again, that’s only my opinion.

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Our Beliefs

"If you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." Henry Ford.

Many of our clients have a belief system that hinders their chances of getting sober.

If I think I'm worthless and will never amount to anything, I’m right.

We find this value system embedded in our subconscious. A system of beliefs that guide our lives.

It's pretty much like the autonomic system that guides our complex nervous system. Only this one guides our behaviors.

Our parents might have given us the message that we were worthless when we were children. If we hear that message repeatedly we might live our lives doing worthless things. It's not unnatural. We're simply following our programming.

We may turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, or crime as ways to express that worthlessness.

The good news is we can change our programming. We can start feeding our subconscious positive messages. Maybe through visualization, prayer, or hypnosis.

We can reprogram our subconscious by using the 12-step programs. Attending meetings helps override bad programming. The kind that makes us want to kill ourselves with drugs or alcohol.

If we work hard at change we will. If we can get rid of these old messages we can live the happy and productive life God designed us for.

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Frustrated

At times I get frustrated because I don't have the words to explain to a parent how to help an addict child.

The only thing I can do to try to help them is to tell about my own experience.

How my use of drugs affected my life. How I lived in cages for years. About being homeless. About losing everything over and over again. About starting businesses and relationships – then losing it all.

I'm not sure they hear me when I tell him that they are powerless over their child. That they have to let them get enough pain in their life. Then maybe they will change. Hopefully before it's too late.

Weaning ourselves off of drugs is painful.

And that's why I tell parents not to help their children while they are using. Send them to treatment, but do nothing more.

Don't feed them. Don't drive them anywhere. Don't bail them out of jail.  Don't loan them money.

Let them start paying for their lifestyle right away. Let them suffer while they're young.

The pain of their lifestyle will make them change quicker than anything else.

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Resentments

Some former clients never let a good resentment go to waste.

Often we'll have one leave for whatever reason.  Maybe the cook burned the toast. Or he has a roommate he dislikes.  And the next thing you know we'll have an inspector knocking on the door.

Sometimes the complaint will be about our sanitation practices. Or about how many people live in a room. Or about our licensing status. About one of our kitchens.

We've even had resentful former residents go to the State legislature to try to close us down. Or to city hall to file a complaint. The people from the government usually know they're responding to an angry former resident. But they're obligated to respond.

Usually an inspector will look around for a minute and tell us everything looks great. Once in a while they might have us change a minor procedure. But generally he'll tell us to have a good day and moves on.

Most clients who leave angry do so because they don't want to be responsible. They might not want to work. Or pay service fees. Do chores. Make their beds. They're not used to getting up and going to work. So rather than do so they'll find something to get angry about and leave. Maybe to get drunk or high.

And because they want to get even they'll do whatever it takes to try to get us. But the reality is that one day they'll run out of people to be angry at and start looking at themselves.

And once they do that they might have a chance to get sober.

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We must put in the Work

Recovery is an inside job. It's something we must want to do for ourselves.

Thought about this today because I met someone who's been in more than a dozen programs. Halfway houses, treatment, sober living. You name it and he's been there. And not for a short time either. He says that he spent a year or more in some of these places. Maybe seven years total.

When I asked him why so many rehabs, he kind of shrugged his shoulders and said "they just didn't work for me.

So he and I got into a lengthy discussion about responsibility. And the bottom line is I told him in a nice way that he was simply too lazy to put in the effort to change.  He already had plenty of information.

Because while I'd been running TLC for 25+ years and think it's the best, I know there are many great programs. There's the Salvation Army, Teen Challenge, Chicanos por la Causa, and a myriad of smaller programs.

And one thing I know about them is that if one does what the program directs them to - they'll succeed.

When a person says a program "didn't work," what he's really saying is that he didn't work.

I've seen people get sober just by going to 12-step meetings. By joining a church. Or falling in love.

The real thing about recovery is we have to have enough pain to want to change. If we have the desire most any program will work - if we put in the effort.

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Change our View

A halfway house client tells the group last night all the negative things about himself. At least his perception of himself.

He's very angry, he says. He thinks others don't like him. He believes he scares others because he's kind of tough looking. And because of his ethnicity.

I thought he was kind of hard on himself and told him so. He seemed surprised at my response.

Yet he's not much different from many addicts - or non-addicts- for that matter.

We get these negative ideas in our head. and - instead of letting them go - we nurture them to the point that we began living by them. We're ugly. Or stupid. Or fat. Never anything positive.

We need to change our view of ourselves. It’s just as easy to have loving and kind perceptions of ourselves. And we might even live up to them.

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