A client in one of our aftercare groups was frustrated because he had “a lot of feelings” that he didn't understand. He said that he sometimes just got angry for no reason. And when that happened he would lash out verbally at those around him. He said that he spent a lot of time trying to figure out why he felt such frustration. His body language and the look on his face bore out what he said.

Group members had some suggestions about how he could deal with his feelings. One of them told him that when he felt like lashing out at someone in anger, maybe he could turn that into an opportunity to express kindness. The frustrated client responded that he couldn't control how he felt.

When I took exception to that he looked at me in a questioning manner.

"When you are angry," I asked him, "do you lash out at everyone equally?"

"I don't understand what you're asking me," he said.

"Let me give you an example," I told him. Then I went onto explain that he probably wasn't expressing the same anger at his boss as he did to someone that he didn't like. In other words, he could modulate his levels of anger. He agreed with me, reluctantly.

I suggested that if he were able to regulate the amount of anger he showed people, then perhaps he could also be nice to people -- if he chose.

While he didn't make a commitment to be nicer, at least he heard what the rest of us had to say.