In 12-Step meetings we hear about addicts and alcoholics who have 15 or 20 years sober who suddenly go back out and start using or drinking again. At 32 years of sobriety I've heard of people doing this fairly often, even though they have a lot of time living sober.
In the early years of my recovery this kind of surprised me. And the reason it did is that I couldn't imagine going back to the hell of my addiction. Waking up sick and needing a fix or a drink. The fear of ending up homeless again. Or back behind bars and suffering the pain of losing everything over a substance. Losing the trust of my loved ones. To me, going back to that world didn't make sense.
In the recovery literature there is the term "cunning, baffling and powerful," which is used to describe the insidious power of our addictions. In other words, when it comes to using any addictive substance there is little or no logic to it.
Why would a person with a career, a family, and good health suddenly risk it all for the momentary bliss of that initial drink or shot of dope? It's not like someone holds us at gunpoint and forces us to use. It all comes from our addict brains. Somehow we tell ourselves that we're the exception. That just one time won't hurt. Nobody will know. And then we're off to the races.
I write about this today because someone I've worked with over the past 20 years - who had some years of sobriety - went back out and used once more.
And the sad thing is that he had a place to live. A vehicle. And a steady job. And, on top of that he was undergoing medical treatment for a condition he's suffered from for a few years. My fear is that he'll end up homeless and totally without resources because of his bad condition.
One thing I've learned in my recovery journey is that there's never a good reason to step back in to the insanity and hell of addiction. And, as long as I keep that thinking at the front of my mind, I'll be okay.
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