Grow New Legs?

 Standing in the supermarket checkout line I noticed a headline in the National Enquirer that read “Amputee Grows New Legs.”

I laughed because it reminded me of a phrase from the literature, “We are like men who have lost their legs, they never grow new ones.”

Even though I knew the Enquirer headline was only an attention getter, for a split second my mind went to the idea that maybe I could drink again. Just for a fleeting second that thought crossed my mind.

And while I didn’t follow through, it demonstrates the vulnerability of us addicts and alcoholics – the baffling part of our disease. It’s always with us, lurking in the shadows of our being, waiting for an opportunity to express itself.

We see those at meetings those with 20 or more years of sobriety who’ve relapsed - and return to report it was worse than ever. Generally they say they let their guard down or were spiritually vulnerable -  had no defense. Before they knew it the madness had returned. Vigilance is our defense, that and the life skills we learn from attending 12-step meetings.

We can insure ourselves by going to meetings, reading the literature, living by the wisdom that’s in the book. But it takes action.

Be Like the Sober

A TLC client who'd had a run in with one of our managers said "I'm not your average client. I’m not like these other guys." He went on to explain that he "had a trade" and had "owned things."    He wanted to make sure I knew his background because he felt one of our managers hadn't treated him with the respect he was due when he was confronted for being irresponsible.

Of course I followed with a question about if he was doing so well before, what was he doing at TLC? And, as I expected, he didn't have an answer.

My experience has been that alcoholics and addicts who feel they're somehow “different” or “better” are usually in trouble. If I'm "different" then I might think I can successfully drink or drug. I think it's important for me to figure out how I'm like others in the program- not different.  I want to be like those in the rooms who have years of sobriety. I don’t care whether they’re Ph.Ds. or ditch diggers – rich or poor. If they have peace and serenity then that’s where I want to be.

My brother, who died of alcoholism at 60 years, would come back from meetings and say "I'm not like those guys." And, of course, he was thinking of a time before he'd lost everything and ended up in an old pickup in the streets of Bullhead City, Arizona.  He died six months after leaving TLC, still thinking he could successfully drink and drug.

On Vacation?

My sweetheart and I are now in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, beginning a two week vacation at the Paradise Village Resort. Nothing fancy, but a welcome respite from the daily drumbeat of working with recovering people. Once in while we need to refresh and rejuvenate.

So what do I blog about when I don’t have the daily drama provided by TLC clients? I never know until I get to the computer exactly what will show up on the screen. But once I start it just flows. The real job is to see if what appears makes sense. Then it’s a matter of editing, of eliminating redundant words, to try to communicate with as few words as possible.

A friend asked why I do anything while on vacation. But I’m a person who always has more projects on my plate than I can possibly do. It’s not that I want to be crazy busy, but the world offers so many exciting, interesting challenges that I know I’ll never catch up.

There are business opportunities (We’re opening a new outpatient treatment program for our clients.) There are fitness challenges (Can I do more than 25 chin-ups in a set?) There are mental challenges (I’m learning Muse, a new web design software released by Adobe this summer). The point is, there’s always something going on and it’s fun trying to keep up.

My parents’ generation had the dream of retiring at some point and sitting in front of the television and vegetating. And that’s what many of them did. But today’s world offers opportunities to use our faculties and to keep growing all of our lives. I believe us humans are designed to be in motion – both mentally and physically – and I’m doing my best to live by that credo.

I got sober to enjoy life; that’s what I’m doing.

Overcoming Depression

The aura of depression around our client was so heavy it could be cut with a knife. She'd lost her husband a few years back. Even though she’d been sober for many years, she relapsed and couldn't stop drinking until she came to us. Her children didn't speak to her anymore. Her health was bad. She didn't have a job. As I listened to her, I almost became depressed myself. After all, who wouldn't find these circumstances overwhelming?

Yet what value is there in letting our minds dwell on negativity? If we only think about the bad experiences, then we're going to wallow  in a muck of depression that eventually will take us down. We'll either go back to drinking or drugging or succumb to illness. We can't live a productive life in these circumstances.

But how do we escape when bad things that happened seem to drag us down? There are no easy answers. But there are suggestions that can help us overcome our past.

First, we must live in the present. We might take inventory and say "well this is what I have left, what am I going to do with it?" Aside from medication there are natural things we can do to help us overcome depression. There is exercise, meditation, and prayer. Another way to overcome depression is to get involved. Perhaps this woman could attend more 12-step meetings. Or join a church. Or she could counsel the younger women who come into the program. After all, having lived half of her life, she has a wealth of experience to share.

The point is to take action; its harder to be depressed when we're in motion.

Gratitude at Work

Yesterday a long-term client told me how grateful he was for the program. He had nothing when he arrived, except the clothes on his back. When he went to prison he’d lost everything- including contact with his family. 

But now his children and grandchildren are back in his life. Today he has a decent job supervising our maintenance projects. And he doesn't just do his job – he also helps the half a dozen men who work for him focus on sobriety. He teaches them to be grateful for what they have. He not only talks gratitude, he teaches it to others by his actions.

He's an example of those who stay sober at TLC. Without exception they’re grateful for what they have today. They don't dwell on the past. They live in the present. They recognize that God has spared them the fate of many of their contemporaries who are still in prison, who are still using or dealing drugs.

It seems almost symptomatic of pending relapse when clients begin to complain about their circumstances. They're unhappy with their job. Or with the weather. They believe they should be further ahead. There is nothing in life that’s rewarding to them.  In this state a drink or drug is beckoning and they’re about to respond.

Today I’m grateful for all the blessings – and challenges – in my life.

Getting Lazy

A client who’d been in our program for several months was confronted about not doing anything. He wasn't going to meetings. He wasn't doing chores. He wasn't volunteering to help newcomers or serving on committees. All he was doing was going to work, and then vegetating in his room.

            "I'm just totally exhausted all the time," he said in his defense. "I don't have energy to do anything."

            "Do you smoke?" Asked the group moderator.

He did. Then the moderator asked him several more questions about exercise, about meditation, and about the kind of job he had. It turned out he had a job where he sat all day at a telemarketing company, with little physical activity. In addition, he was about 75 pounds overweight, drank a lot of soda and ate mostly junk food.

            "Do you think your lifestyle might have something to do with you being exhausted?" The moderator asked.

While the client didn’t disagree, he had what he thought were good reasons why he couldn't change. He couldn’t afford a gym and didn't have enough money to eat right.  Smoking helped lower his stress. They were all excuses that would allow him to stay stuck exactly where he was at: exhausted. 

At TLC we sometimes see longer term clients get comfortable and lazy. Once they're sober for a while, they lose the energy and drive they had when they first got sober. They forget about the meetings they went to every day for the first 90 days.  They’ve gotten sober but they haven’t developed a healthy lifestyle along with it. They sink into a comfortable lethargy, where they play video games, watch television, and eat crappy food. Before long they're overweight and unhealthy, unmotivated and depressed.

Sometimes we tell clients that if they put just 25% of the energy into rebuilding their lives as they did to screw it up they will be wildly successful. Quitting smoking, eating right and exercising takes self-discipline and effort. But the payoff is less depression, more energy and a positive attitude that allows us to realize our potential.

Recovery Relationships

A former client came to our corporate office so drunk she was staggering. She had a dark bruise on her face. Her hair went every which way. Her blouse was open, partially exposing her breasts. The smell of alcohol was breathtaking.

When I told her she couldn't be on our property, she said she'd come to see a former client, a man she'd hooked up with the last time she was at TLC. It was a disastrous relationship, one that resulted in both of them getting drunk. I explained that he was doing well, and had been sober for several months. The last thing he needed was to see her. All she could do was threaten his recovery.

We offered to take her to an emergency room for help. She refused. We offered to take her to a detoxification clinic to get sober. She refused. At that point I told her to leave or I'd call the police. I told her if she returned we’d get a restraining order to keep her from the property. She finally staggered down the street, hopefully to get sober at some point.

The client she came to visit was upset because she had come. He was working in a restrictive part of the program, one that allowed us to monitor his behavior. While he said he had no desire to have anything to do with her, it was obvious he still had feelings for her. Or was it his disease kicking up, one more time beckoning him to destroy his life.

At TLC we keep the men and women separate for a reason. But, even then, it’s hard to overcome Mother Nature. The biological urges that course through all of us sometimes lead those of us in recovery to make bad decisions when we should be focusing on just getting clean and sober. We've had more than one experience where new clients have left together, thinking they’d found the most wonderful person in the world. 

So far we've never gotten any great reports about the success of relationships that start in our recovery program.