In Love for 40 Years?

Relationships are tough for the average person, even tougher for those of us in recovery. But they sometimes work, sometimes very well. 

While on vacation here in Puerto Vallarta my sweetheart and I have had the privilege of spending time with new friends, a couple who’ve been married for over forty years. Even more interesting to me is that he’s a recovering alcoholic.

As one who’s been married three times and who’s been in more than one unsuccessful relationship I’ve watched this couple closely while here, trying to figure out how they’ve been together so long.

One obvious thing is that they care deeply for one another and show it by their behavior. They carry on a running dialogue about everything under the sun. Their conversation is always lighthearted and they never seem to tire of each other’s company. Sometimes, even in public, they’re like two parakeets, shoulder-to-shoulder, chattering away, oblivious to those around them.

They never quibble about anything.  If she wants to do something he doesn’t want to do he just shrugs his shoulders and goes along. And vice-versa. They don’t have power struggles about anything. They seem to like nothing better than hanging out with one another.

But I’m not sure it could be that simple. And before this trip is over I’m going to ask them the secret. And they could tell me it is that simple: be considerate of one another, love each other, and don’t fight about things.

Family Matters

I now understand how my family used to feel about my drinking and drugging. I’m having this experience up close and personal because a family member who’d been sober for a number of years took another run at drinking and drugging. And a few months ago, after two years of bad experiences, he came back to the program.

While I’m happy he’s doing the steps and has gotten a sponsor, I have a wait and see attitude because he’d been sober and successful for over five years before he went back out. He’s very enthusiastic about being sober – but then he was enthusiastic the first time he came into the program. 

I’m sort of surprised at my reservations, but I’m going to stay with them. And when he talks about his experiences in the program I listen, but I refrain from giving advice. After all, the advice I gave before didn’t work out very well. 

And there’s likely a part of me that doesn’t want to be disappointed again. And that’s probably what my family experienced so many years ago. I believe they loved and cared for me but they, too, were tired of being disappointed. 

Today I really do understand what they went through.

Spiritual Food

Before coming to Puerto Vallarta on vacation I was asked more than once if I feared coming here because of the well-publicized violence we hear about in America. And my answer was that I wasn’t afraid. I’m not a drug dealer; I don’t have anything to do with smuggling, or cartels or anything criminal. And 97% of those who fall to violence here are part of the criminal underworld that generates so much negativity for this beautiful country.

People here, as are people elsewhere, compassionate and kind. I’ve seen several examples during my seven days here. I was in a large market the other day, looking for an employee to help me find a product when I encountered a tiny man who was stocking shelves. He was maybe three feet tall, had deformed arms and hands, and struggled to do his work. He led me, with some effort, to what I was looking for. When I thanked him, he gave a large smile and said he was happy to be of service.

As I left the store it was with a warm feeling toward the proprietors, who gave on opportunity to one with his challenges. Someone at the corporate level had the compassion – and maybe the business sense - to hire him. I know I’ll shop there again – no matter why he was hired.

While at a stoplight today, a nearly blind man sold tabloids from the median. A companion was helping him stay out of the traffic while he did his work. It was humbling to watch these two, to see the care one showed for the other. I drove away with a newspaper I didn’t want and with gratitude for the lesson in compassion.

Today in the elevator I watched the tenderness a mother displayed to a paralyzed teenager in a wheelchair.

As someone in recovery I find perspective and spiritual nourishment when I see others displaying love and care for others.  When I see these acts it makes me want to be a better person.

The Promises

One member of our aftercare group died in a dope house of a heroin overdose. Another drank himself to death in a comfortable Scottsdale condominium. Another is doing 15-to-life in Florence for murder. Another was shot to death in a drug deal gone bad. All had tragic outcomes because they couldn’t get the message. And there are others who didn’t make it – too many to list in this blog.

Someone asked me recently how we continue to do this kind of work with people who can’t stay clean and sober – who end up like this? And the answer is always that we do it for those who do stay clean, for the ones have good lives and who are contributing to the world. We try to help others join them in a better life. And, in addition, we do it for ourselves because while we carry the message we stay sober.

Do I wish I had more ability to communicate the seriousness of our disease when I’m facilitating groups? Absolutely. But I know that we have no power other than to pass on information.

I’ve sat in many groups and listened to those who don’t understand the seriousness of our disease. Some admit they quit calling their sponsor, they slowed down on meetings, and they quit reading the book. I tell them of the others that sat in their chairs and didn’t make it – they too quit doing the work and it ended badly for them.

But we alcoholics and addicts mostly don’t fear the consequences. I think many of us get sober because we can no longer stand the pain, the demoralization, the lost feeling of having nothing to look forward but the next fix or drink. That’s why I stopped.

But I remained sober and clean for the promise of a better life - and it happened. And it’s happened for so many others who believe what it says in the promises.

Discharge Him?

It can be frustrating when those we're trying to help steal from us. This week a man who’s been with us for more than six months was caught taking $20.00 from our store.

He came to us with nothing. His family had given up. He drank and did drugs for over thirty years. He has no marketable skills and has health issues.  On top of this resume, he’s been a difficult client while with TLC.  In fact, he had so much trouble finding work that we finally hired him ourselves because the only thing he’s doing right is to not drink or drug.

But what do we do when someone has been with us this long and still engages in old behavior? Do we discharge him? It’s not an easy decision. But in this man’s case we let him stay. His punishment is to apologize to the house at one of our weekly meetings and to write a paper explaining how stealing helps his sobriety. And to pay back our $20.00.

One factor that worked in this client’s behalf is that we’ve had this experience, sometimes more than once with the same client. A few years back we had a man steal money and our van as he left to relapse. He came back, made amends, and then did it again. The last time he returned, he made amends, and stayed sober. Today he’s the pastor of a large ministry that works with recovering addicts and alcoholics.

Over the past 20 years we’ve had clients steal from us, make amends, then go on to remain sober. In fact, one man who has a cubicle outside my office did something similar. Yet today, he’s been clean for a few years, is raising a new baby and living a different kind of life.

In the literature it says “some are sicker than others.” And I know that was true of many of us. If someone had given up on me each time I screwed up I probably wouldn’t be writing this today.

Horse Thief?

There’s a saying in the rooms about when a horse thief gets sober what you have left is a sober horse thief.  That’s certainly true here in Puerto Vallarta. 

At a 12-step meeting here a local shared about driving through the mountains when he had to stop to remove a small tree blocking the roadway. As he started to pull on the tree, three men with pistols surrounded him.

They took his suitcases, camera and other belongings from his car. Next were his wallet, watch and rings. Then one of the gunmen noticed a medallion on a gold chain around his neck.

            “Give me that,” the robber said, waving the pistol in his face.

            “I really don’t want to give it up,” he replied. “It has a lot of sentimental value.”

            “What do you mean?” the robber asked impatiently.

            “Well, this medallion was given to me by my sponsor when I had twenty years’ sober. I really don’t want to give it up.”

            “You’re in the program?” The robber asked in surprise.  

When he said he was, the robber shook his hand, saying. “It’s nice to meet you.  I just picked up a five year chip myself.”

The robbers let him keep the medallion, but took everything else.

Reasons for Gratitude

Being on vacation is wonderful. Having a few lazy days where I don’t have to be anywhere in particular is wonderful.  I sleep in until 7:00, go to the gym, take my sweetheart to get a massage, visit an open air restaurant, and then back to the condo for a siesta. It’s a wonderful time with reminders of all I’m grateful for.

Each day here I’m grateful for those who are home running TLC. Over the years I’ve been blessed with a circle of friends and associates who are dedicated to seeing our recovery program succeed. They don’t do it for the money; with their energy and creativity they could do better working elsewhere. They do such a good job that I never lose sleep about business back home.

Another reason for gratitude is that we live in a country that is relatively secure. Even though Puerto Vallarta hasn’t experienced the violence of other parts of the country – truckloads of camo-dressed soldiers with machine guns regularly pass the hotel. And black-clad Federales are everywhere. The added security has something to do with the Pan-American games taking place here this month. While I appreciate the security, it makes me realize that our country – with all its present woes – is still comparatively safe.

Wherever we are in life we can look about us and find reasons to be grateful.