Small Resentment

Just when I thought I was over resentments I came up with a new one. While this is a small resentment, it's still big enough to have thought about.

And it started last month while on vacation when I was getting ready to send an email with an attachment. As I was about to send it one of my grandkids, barely a teenager, said he would show me how to do it.

At first I thought he was kidding. But then I realized he was serious. I didn't bother to mention to him that my email address is about eight years older than he is.

Then last week my resentment grew when a young person trying to contact me asked someone if I knew how to text.

I finally got over it by realizing this had nothing to do with me.

I think the perspective of many youngsters is that people who've been on the planet as long as I have are out of the loop. And it's true that many in my generation aren't technically competent.

But in my case, I started using computers in 1982, over 30 years ago. I've done our company website for years. Plus, I can use over 50 software programs.

In the final analysis I guess it has to do with my ego. And I got over this little resentment by realizing that all of us have different experience. 

 And ultimately, we base our beliefs on our experience - no matter what age we are.

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Putting ourselves First

A recovery acquaintance wonders what to do about his stress.

He has problems with his new employer, who's making unreasonable demands on his time. The boss wants him to work more hours, without giving him notice. Since he's the new guy on the job, it's hard to say no.

In addition, his ex asks him to cough up extra money for school clothes for their child. And, even though he pays support, he wants to give additional help. But because he recently started working he doesn't have the money.

He also has a sick relative living with him, someone who needs extra attention.  His wife's car needs repairs.  A bill collector keeps calling. And so on.

As he tells me about these challenges I sense his anxiety rising. He has so much going on that it will eventually affect his health. His appetite is off. His sleep is disrupted. And it could affect his sobriety.

I tell him to cut through the busyness and put himself first. Otherwise he's not going to be able to deal with his challenges for long.

When he protests that he doesn't have the time, I disagree. I suggest that he rise 30 minutes to an hour early each day to do some light exercise. Or perhaps he can learn to mediate or do visualization. Anything to take his mind off of his challenges for a few moments and reduce his stress.

I direct him to the thousands of free resources on the internet available to teach us stress reduction and time management. Within minutes he'll be able to locate something to help him live better.

To change our lives we only have to believe we can do it and an answer will show up. It takes action.

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A Sponsor's Help

An alcoholic talks about the help his sponsor gave him years ago while he was doing his 4th step.

In that step he'd written that his ex-wife was "a whore" and that her husband was a "dick." He'd been angry and resentful at them for years.

The sponsor asked why he felt that way.

The man explained that she'd left him for the man who's now her husband. And on top of that, she and her new husband were raising his daughter, whom he hadn't seen since she was very young.

"Were you drinking at the time?" his sponsor asked.

"Of course," he answered.

"Are you paying child support?"

"No," he replied.

Then the sponsor went on to explain that he had no right to be angry. Instead, he pointed out, he should be grateful to them.

After all, his ex-wife and her new husband had been raising his daughter. And without financial help from him up until he got sober.

The man said that after this talk with his sponsor his feelings changed.

He realizes today that the feelings he had toward his ex and her new husband were because of his drinking. They had little to do with them.

And he's grateful to this sponsor for helping him change his perspective.

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Differences

A newcomer sharing at a 12-step meeting says, with a hint of pride in his voice, that before he got sober all he drank was beer. He quit drinking liquor and stronger beverages because they got him in trouble.

Then he speaks of a friend who drinks whiskey. The man has had DUI's. He's lost jobs. He has health problems.

As I listen I get the impression that the speaker believes one kind of alcohol is superior to another.

And that may be true for so-called normal drinkers. Some are connoisseurs of fine wine or aged whiskey - things they drink in moderation.

But for alcoholics like me, what we drank made no difference. If it has alcohol in it it's a deadly poison. We should avoid any alcoholic beverage because it could kill us.

Anyway, the more important thing is how much we are like the others in the rooms - not how we're different. When we feel we're different we might think the rules don't apply to us. And that's dangerous for someone like me.

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Wanting to Help

The man slumped at my desk seemed troubled. He tried to not look me in the eyes. And when he did he looked away.

He'd come to us days earlier from a mental health facility. However, our treatment license doesn't allow us to accept those diagnosed with severe mental illness. Because of this, we were referring him to another facility. Or else back to where he came from.

But it bothered some members of our halfway house staff. Because some who met him said he was pleasant and cooperative. He seemed like many of the others in our halfway houses. They were willing to take him back and work with him. And they wanted me to meet him.

As we talked I realized that he'd connected with a few people at the halfway house. And when he learned that he couldn't go back there or be in our treatment program he was a little down on himself.

He talked about things psychiatrists had said, the labels they'd put on him. His voice rose as he told me some of the things they said were "wrong with him."

"Did they tell you about what was right with you?" I asked when he paused.

And when I said that he seemed surprised. He teared up and looked at me with gratitude. It was like no one had said anything like that in a long time.

Our conversation ended when a cab arrived to take him to another facility. But before he left I gave him my card and told him to call if he ever needed to talk.

I wished we could have helped because we've had success with more than one person with his diagnosis.

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Seeing our Blessings

As we start our Sunday do we look at our blessings? At the gifts we have in our lives? At the many opportunities the universe has given us?

If that's the way you woke up this morning congratulations. Because gratitude is the nectar that makes life sweeter and more worthwhile.

But what if we weren't taught to look at our lives this way? Maybe we grew up in poverty. Or in a family of alcoholics and addicts. Perhaps negativity was in the air.

The good news is that we can overcome this upbringing by changing our focus. Many of us grew up noticing what we didn't have. We compared ourselves to others and always came up short.

And the reason we came up short is because we compared ourselves to those who had more.

However, if we must compare, maybe we compare ourselves to those who have less. Then we can develop gratitude.

There are parts of the world where poverty and disease are rampant. Where there's little or no employment or opportunity for education. Where war and strife are part of daily life.

When we see others living with these major challenges it’s easy to recognize our blessings.

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Treat people Well

An important quality for success is treating others well.

This comes up because a former friend - someone I've known for over 30 years - is having business challenges.

The challenges aren't financial. They're not because the economy is bad. The challenges stem from the way this person treats others.

No one wants to work for this person - even though the pay is great. Recently the entire management team quit because of the stress. The emotional and psychological abuse. The constant drama.

In the same vein, another former friend has lost virtually everything in the past three years. Home. Business. Professional license. Husband. Friends. No one wants to be around this person because of the cloud of anger and resentment around her - the way she treats them. No one can deal with her bitterness.

When I started hearing of their problems I wasn't shocked. Instead, I have a sense of sadness. I hate to see those with talent and ability sabotage their lives because of anger and resentment. Because of how they treat those close to them.

People are willing to step up when we treat them well. When we're kind and compassionate. When we treat them with respect and dignity - no matter where they come from or what kind of screwed up things they do.

TLC survived four rough years during the downturn because most of our employees took a 10% pay cut. They also gave up their bonuses. And they didn't do that because they were treated unkindly. They did it because they are treated with love and respect by those who run our company.

Treating others well is the key to success in every area of life. Try it.

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