We gave it Away

"Don’t waste your time looking back on what you’ve lost. Move on, for life is not meant to be traveled backward." Unknown

Many addicts make themselves unhappy by looking back at what they've lost. But most of the things they think they lost are really things they gave away to their addictions.

A friend told me one time that he lost his wife because of his drinking. My response was "no your wife lost you because of your drinking." The only reason I could tell him that with such conviction is because I was kind of like him at one time. I used to think I lost marriages, jobs, properties, even my freedom, because of my heroin and alcohol addictions. But the reality is that I didn't lose anything. I gave it all away in the pursuit of pleasure, trying to recapture the euphoria of that first high.

Like it or not, we must learn to live in the present moment, relishing the gift of the time that we still have left after all we put ourselves through. For the fact that we survived our addictions and the consequences of our addictions is truly a miracle.

But many times I speak with addicts who are depressed because they no longer have what they once had. They might've had a nice home. A wife who cared about them. Children who loved them. A great job or even their own business. In other words, they were living the American dream.

Then they woke up after a few years of pursuing their addictions and it all was gone. And even though they've been sober a year or longer they spend a lot of time reflecting upon what they let slip through their fingers.

And that's a sad place to be because they're missing this valuable present moment. For even though it's an old cliché, this moment is the beginning of the remainder of our lives. And to waste it excavating through the wreckage of our past is to miss the essence of our lives.

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Another Lawsuit

Yesterday, while I was taking my daily break, someone kept ringing my doorbell. I have one of those devices that lets me see who's at the door and an app on my smartphone that lets me answer without opening the door.

The man at the door identified himself as an officer of the court and said he had some papers for me, which I could see in his hand.

"Aha," I told myself, "must be another lawsuit." And I answered the door and retrieved the paperwork. And sure enough, an angry former client had hired an attorney and is ready to sue us.

Now normally, back in the old days, this kind of stuff would get me upset. But it's happened so many times over the last 26 years that I almost feel like something's wrong when we're not in litigation about something.

And of course, my calm about these things comes from the fact that I now have some experience under my belt. Out of about 20 lawsuits, I think we've lost only two. In one of those matters, our driver had pulled in front of an oncoming motorcycle and the man was seriously injured. We ended up paying damages to him, as we should have. I believe we should have won the other one we lost and felt that the court had made a bad decision. But life isn't always fair when it comes to things like lawsuits.

And a lot of times just because you win a lawsuit you don't feel like you won. And that's because the cost of the litigation is about the same, win or lose. We just won a case that went to the Arizona Supreme Court that cost us over $20,000. The guy who sued us, did so from prison so his fees were very minimal. All his lawsuit cost him, as far as I know, was of some of his time. And I'm sure he has plenty of that these days. And the other cost of being in a lawsuit is that it takes our time away from our mission of helping addicts and alcoholics change their lives.

One of the mysteries of life is that people come to us asking for help and then when they don't like the help we give them they sometimes sue us. Go figure.

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Communication

As founder and CEO of Transitional Living Communities, one of my biggest jobs has always been to help staff members to communicate more effectively. Not only with each other. But also with the clients.

Now one would think that staff members, even the highly trained professionals that operate our treatment program, would be the most effective communicators. But even they get into spats with one another and I have to step in and mediate.

I recall one time sitting in an office with two women therapists, with seven advanced degrees between them, who were screaming about how much they hated each other. There was even a bit of profanity involved.

Finally, I intervened.

"You know," I told them, "there's something really wrong with this picture."

Then I went on to explain to that it was really bizarre that I, with only a high school degree, had to have a discussion with two therapists with advanced degrees about how to communicate effectively. That shocked them into reality and they eventually reached an accommodation and were able to work together much more effectively from then on.

In most all of these cases of ineffective communication, the solution can be found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's summed up in the phrase, "principles before personalities."

For I have found that any time there's a communication breakdown it generally involves personality differences, specifically ego clashes. It's very rarely the facts of the situation that causes a communication breakdown. Because in a discussion about facts, things are pretty straightforward and clear.

We eventually get over these things by someone pointing out that none of these differences are really big deals and that there'll always be something else to disagree about tomorrow. The real thing is we have to get ourselves out of the way and join together in working toward a solution.

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July 4

If you ask a certain percentage of people they won't have any idea what the fourth of July is about. They'll tell you it's about picnics, hot dogs, ballgames, and a day off work. As is the case with many of our holidays its meaning has migrated a long way from what it celebrates to what it is today.

The publication by the 13 colonies of the resolution of their independence from Great Britain occurred July 4, 1776. But the actual resolution was drawn up two days earlier, on July 2, 1776. Because it was published two days later, on July 4, that's when we celebrate Independence Day.

Probably the Declaration of Independence could be considered one of the great events in world history. Because of that, the United States became one of the freest and most powerful countries in the world.

While there's divisiveness today in the press about the role of government, about our current president, about the way our legislative process works, the reality is that our current form of government is what makes our country great.

There are few places in the world where we can get away with calling the president an idiot. Or gathering in public to peacefully protest anything we disagree with. And while our current political situation may seem outrageous to many of us, one only need look back through history to find similar situations where opposing sides were slinging mud at one another. Perhaps the only real difference between today and past history is the presence of instant communication and social media, where news travels around the world in an instant.

While the press often talks about what a mess our country is, we need to only look at our Southern border to see how many people risk their lives to flock to this country. If this is such a terrible place, it would seem like more people would be trying to get away from here rather than getting here by any means possible.

We must be grateful for the fact that we can disagree with others about most anything and that they have the right to disagree with us. Like it or not, that's what makes our country great.

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In the Present

Don’t judge yourself by your past. You don’t live there anymore." Unknown

Many addicts and alcoholics new to recovery judge themselves by their past. And many of them bear a heavy burden from the things they've done.

Maybe they've abandoned their families. Perhaps they committed a crime while drug seeking and ended up in prison. Others have experienced bankruptcy or divorce. Without a lot of looking most of us in recovery can find many things to judge ourselves for.

I think it's good for us to remember the price we paid for our addiction, but to continue to define our whole lives by our disease is a waste. Because the reality is that we alcoholics and addicts are known for bad decisions and poor judgment. But for us to waste our precious headspace and time dwelling on what we did and how far we've fallen behind our peers can impede our recovery.

Instead, we must learn to forgive ourselves and to live in the present. That's not to say that what we did was okay, or that we shouldn't make amends for our misdeeds, but when we forgive ourselves we can make progress.

I've witnessed many times what happens when addicts live in the past: they end up returning there and repeating their history. But those who have a healthy outlook on what they did, and who are working on recovery, can find themselves living successful lives.

I have some outstanding friends who have been sober over 25 years who have rebuilt their lives in every way. They are physically, financially, and spiritually healthy and giving back to the world and to their families.

You can do the same by living in the present and moving forward.

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Finding Gratitude

In the summertime, we can often lose our patience, especially here in Arizona when the temperatures are typically over 110° this time of year. And I found myself in that situation today while in the drive-through of a restaurant waiting to pick up a burrito.

Now mind you, I was sitting in a comfortable seat in an air-conditioned car with the interior temperature at about 68°. Yet, even though I was cool just the idea of the heat outside made me a little testy and wonder what was taking so long for my order.

While waiting, I happened to notice out of the corner of my eye an elderly one-legged man in a dilapidated wheelchair struggling with both arms to move the chair forward toward the crosswalk, which was about 20 feet ahead of him. His progress was slow and painful. It seemed to take all of his strength and effort to move a few feet, yet he continued forward.

As I watched, I marveled at his persistence. I wondered how he had lost his leg and gotten himself into a situation where he would be out in 110° heat in his condition. Had he lost his leg in an accident or maybe to diabetes? Was he an alcoholic or drug addict? Was he homeless? Was there something I could do to help him?

While all this was going around and around in my head he made it across the intersection and disappeared into a parking lot on the other side of the street.

After I lost sight of him I realized that my impatience had disappeared. Instead, I found that it had been replaced by gratitude for the circumstances of my own life. No matter the temperature, I was able to stay comfortable in both my automobile and in my comfortable suburban home.

Sometimes the universe reminds me that there are many who suffer and struggle to just make it through the day. And it's these kinds of reminders that help me travel in a state of gratitude for the life I have today.

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44 years

Today I was at a meeting where a man received a chip for being sober for 44 years.

Now someone new to the twelve-step programs might not understand the significance of someone receiving a chip for being sober 44 years. They might ask a question like, why bother? After being sober a few years, why does anyone go to meetings, particularly after they've been sober for more than half of their life?

But the reality is that a lot more happens at 12 step meetings than just not drinking or using drugs.

What really happens at 12 step meetings is that once people get into recovery and start living in sobriety, they start refining their lives and begin learning how to rejoin the human race. Many of them, particularly younger people, have never really truly learned how to live. They mistreated their wives, their parents, and coworkers, and others living around them.

So that's why the twelve-step programs have twelve-steps. Each step is a progression toward learning how to live better, how to treat people, and how to become a decent human being. And for the many who have spent years immersed in a life of drinking and drugging, it takes a long time to change and learn how to live in peace and harmony with others.

The gentleman in question – the man who has been sober 44 years – happens to be my sponsor. I met him when I first got sober but he didn't become my sponsor until seven years later. Now many of the questions I ask him I already know the answers to – something he often reminds me of. But the good thing about having someone who's been in recovery longer than we have is that they have been through many of the experiences we are facing. And even though we might know the answer, they can confirm that we're on the right track.

I would recommend to anyone who doesn't have a sponsor to try to find someone they can relate to. They can become a friend who will guide us through the rough patches in our recovery.

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