A Matter of Attitude

A former TLC client, in his mid-50s, sat across from me at my desk, depressed and dejected.

                "I don't know what I'm going to do," he said. "I'm looking for a job and nobody will hire me. I know it's because of my age."

He lamented that he'd lost his job because his employer found out he had a felony conviction years earlier. He had no savings and likely would be homeless at the end of the week. He had no idea what to do next.

Because I knew this man had been in business before I wondered why he didn't start something again. After all, many times when one has a felony conviction it’s difficult to find work. In that respect what he was saying is true.

However, I told him I thought his problem was attitude. After all, a man in his mid-50s has many years ahead of him. I suggested he find a menial job and put away a few dollars for a vehicle so he could start a small business. After all, he had a lot of experience in landscaping and home repairs. He  would be his own boss and make more than the average person does because he would be paying himself – instead of someone else paying him.

I told him a story about how in the seventies I one time had lost everything. Not knowing what to do, I borrowed money to finance a small pickup.  Then I started a business trimming trees, hauling trash and doing general cleanups. Within a year I was earning $50,000 after taxes. Yes, it was hard work. But it was well worth it because I ended up being my own boss and paying myself what I thought I was worth.

In concluding my conversation with this man I suggested he not really pay much attention to what he did for money – that what he really needed to pay attention to is his attitude. 

After all, none of us get sober so we can be depressed and do nothing with our lives. And it all turns on our attitude.

I am Responsible

The speaker at yesterday's 12 step meeting got a laugh when he said he had finally discovered his problem.

                "It was my wife," he said. And after that discovery, he left home and moved in with his parents. However, his drinking continued and nothing changed.

It wasn't long after that he discovered that the real problem in his life was not his wife, but that he drank alcohol to excess.

This story parallels mine and that of many others in recovery. When I was drinking and drugging I was never responsible. My addictions and their consequences were always because of someone or something else.

It was my abusive childhood. It was because I was raised in a broken home. It was my girlfriend. It was my parole officer. It was my wife. Always, it was someone else who was responsible for my drinking and drugging.

Only until I ran out of others to blame did my life change. One day I looked around and there was nobody who cared what I did. At that point I began to look at myself and say "maybe I do have a problem."

That's when I entered a detox and left there to begin sober life. 

The signs on the walls of some meetings that say “I am responsible” are there for a reason.

Serenity as a Goal

I awoke this morning in a state that I can only describe as serenity. Rain was hitting gently on my bedroom window. I'd enjoyed a good night sleep, after spending the evening as at my daughter's house having dinner with her and her boyfriend.   My world was okay. 

While sitting in this state of bliss, thinking of what to write about, I realized that my normal topic is often challenges or issues faced at TLC. When I looked back through the 600 blogs I've completed that's mostly the topic. And that's probably because most days are spent resolving issues around or about TLC. It's very normal in the course of what I do. It comes with the territory.

But the goal of being sober is to achieve serenity.  To enjoy peace of mind.  To be happy.

And one of the more important – and more difficult - things we can do it TLC is to communicate the goal of serenity to our new clients. Many times this sobriety thing is very abstract to them. Many of them have been in pain because of their addictions. But fear of pain or death has not motivated them to get sober and clean.

However if we hold out to them the real promise that life can be good again – that they have a realistic chance at achieving happiness and serenity – that's something that can motivate them to do something different with their lives.

Communication...

Communication is a big issue at TLC. Today, for example, we had an overly sensitive young client who didn’t like the tone the manager used when he spoke to him. He felt disrespected.

His perception probably wasn’t very good. After all, some managers deal with 50 to 60 clients a day. Managers who disrespect clients don’t last long because they are ineffective. Our best managers are respectful – yet firm – when dealing with clients.

They serve some clients who have limited experience in the outside world. Maybe they’ve never lived in an institutional setting. Many have been sponging off their families. They were in an environment where they had their own way. They called the shots. Maybe the parents felt guilty because they didn't spend time with their children. When the children got into drugs and alcohol they tried to make up for it. Maybe they let them live at home for free. We’ve even had clients whose parents supported their drug habits.

Sometimes these clients try to make us substituted parents. Or authority figures. No matter what we tell them, they object. If we send them to find work they have reasons why today's not a good day. They’ll say they're sick. Or they don't have identification. Or they're not used to the weather in Arizona. They usually find some reason to argue with us– but the reality for some is that they're still back home fighting with their parents.

When they don't succeed they want to blame TLC and the management. However, If they survive here it's because they finally realize we’re helping them get sober.  

They start to realize that when managers are tough and firm they're not being disrespectful - they're trying to save lives.

The Pain of Change

One of our tougher jobs at TLC is convincing families to back off and let loved ones recover from their disease.

I believe we mostly look at the world through our own glasses – especially when we're dealing with family members who have alcohol and drug problems. It’s difficult to see those we care for go through changes when they stop using and start becoming responsible.

But when I explain to parents or siblings that they need to let their loved ones stand on their own it sometimes requires a total change of thinking on their part.

We discourage those who want to give their kids televisions, computers, and other gadgets totally unnecessary to their recovery. We don’t even want families to pay service fees beyond the first week or two.

Addicts discover gratitude and responsibility by paying their own way and learning to be responsible. It's sometimes difficult to explain to parents that we're not mean because we expect clients to be at day labor at four in the morning so they have the best chance of landing a temporary job.

I recall a mother who took her 30 year old son from the program because he didn’t like the food. She thought he needed to be home where she could feed and take care of him. Two weeks later he died of a cocaine overdose.

Learning to live sober can be uncomfortable and even painful. But the rewards are ongoing.

Life Teaches us Lessons

When you're trying to help people rebuild their lives they often fail. We had this experience recently when a client we worked with for about nine months finally chose to leave rather than accept consequences for his behavior.

This client came with a history of drinking and living on the fringe. His family was frustrated with him. He had no resources. His health was bad. His social skills are such that he had difficulty in finding work. 

Finally, because he exhibited a willingness to stay sober, we put him to work at TLC. However, each job we gave him didn't work out. At the last job he had at TLC he was running his own private store and operating a loansharking business. When he finally threatened someone who owed him money we decided to transfer him to another facility.

Rather than move to the new facility he left. It was sad to see him go after spending so much time and effort in helping him change his life. But the reality is that life teaches lessons.

This man will meet himself again – regardless of where he goes.

None of my Business

Periodically I send money to a former in-law who’s in a nursing home suffering with cancer. He went there after having a stroke nearly seven years ago.

            A relative who knows I’m in recovery wondered why.

                        “You know he’s going to get drunk or buy drugs with the money,” he told me.

When I said I didn’t care he seemed puzzled. That’s probably because he knows I’ve spent 21 years at TLC helping people who want to recover.

I told him I don’t advocate that others get clean or sober. I don’t have the power - or desire - to convince others it’s a great idea to quit using drugs or alcohol. The only thing that convinces addicts or alcoholics to change is to have enough pain and bad experiences.

            My former in-law knows what a wreck my life was because we drank and did drugs together. And he sees how I’ve lived for the past 21 years. If he wanted recovery he knows I’d help him.

He’s living his life as he chooses and that’s his business.