Sad Call

A sad aspect of our job is when we talk to parents and relatives who are looking for their loved ones – clients who have once been in our program but left to go back to pursue their addictions. Their pain and anxiety is obvious, even when they try to mask it with false bravado.

It happened again today with a mother looking for a client who left our program. Did we know where her daughter had gone?  When had we last seen her? Did we have a phone number for her? Did we know her friends?  She seemed reluctant to hang up, maybe because we were the last contact she had for her daughter.

While we knew nothing of her daughter's whereabouts, we assured her we'd let her know if we heard anything.

This call once again reminded me of the cruel insensitivity with which we treat our loved ones once we relapse back into our disease.

Luck = Hard Work

As I was leaving my office for vacation, a client told me how "lucky" I am to be able to get away for a week. And, of course, I agreed with him.

But then I paused to explain to him that my being able to go on vacation is also the culmination of over 21 years of sobriety and hard work – not just because I'm "lucky."

Some think that others’ good fortune is the result of something outside themselves, such as luck. My experience is that the harder I work – the more I persevere - the luckier I get.

Once I got clean and sober I found that my so-called luck improved. People noticed what I was doing with my life. As people learned that I was able to keep my word they offered me more business opportunities.

People who wouldn't look at me when I was using began loaning money and extending credit. After a period of sobriety others believed I’d succeed.

And it wasn’t necessarily an altruistic thing on their part. They wanted to align themselves with a winner, someone who could help them make money. And that happened for them. But it happened only because I've been able to maintain sobriety for 21 years.

I believe 90% of success is because we show up each day. Maybe we aren’t always on the top of our game. But we persevere no matter what.

And the result is what our client views as "luck."

Calling for Help...

It's in their voices. The ones who call to get help for a loved one. They're usually hesitant, sometimes their voices are small, almost like they're not sure they're doing right thing.

Even though some try to mask who they're talking about, within moments I know it’s about a loved one. Maybe a son.  A daughter. Could be a husband or wife.

And I try to help them because I sense their pain, their lack of understanding of addiction or alcoholism. I can usually tell that the realization has finally set upon them that they're not dealing with anything logical - or within their ability to deal with alone. They know there’s a monster in their midst, the addiction and alcoholism that has created chaos in the lives of their loved ones – and themselves.

Many have spent money on expensive recovery programs. Some have tried tough love. Many have tried everything, including supporting drug habits to keep their loved ones from going through withdrawals.

As gently as possible I suggest that the one who should be calling me is the one who needs help. But with most it's too early for them to be confrontational. And the confrontation usually is not with the addict anyway. It's usually with the callers themselves. It's tough to accept the idea that forcing someone to be responsible is a form of love.

And then there's always a tiny fear, deep in their heart, that the addict will no longer love them if they take a stronger position.  Yet that stronger position might save a life.

War Stories

A friend who's been sober for years called to tell me how bad he felt because he'd engaged in swapping war stories with a new acquaintance.

After they talked for a few minutes it turned out they'd known many of the same people back in the day. They'd been in the same prisons, though at different times. They were familiar with the same drug areas, the same players. For twenty minutes or so it was about the people they knew from those days and some of the adventures they'd engaged in.

Several hours later the friend called to say how bad he felt. He's been in recovery a long time and doesn't feel these kinds of conversations are productive. Or that they enhance his recovery. Yet every once in a while, almost unwittingly, he lapses into these kind of discussions. And he never leaves them feeling good about himself.

It's easy to relate. In recovery we live our lives a day at a time. We no longer reflect on the dubious accomplishments of our past. Nor do we spend a lot of time fantasizing about the future. We stay firmly grounded in the present, because that's what we have to deal with.

In my own case, I try not to get into discussions about the past in any way that might glorify those days. I quit doing that when I discovered that after this kind of conversations I felt like I needed a shower. I think I quit having these conversations when I realized I really did a lot of stupid things before I got sober, things I wasn't proud of..

Today I want to spend my time on the positive and uplifting.

How'd that Work Out?

For the past few weeks a client had been saying he wanted to get high. And - although several of us suggested that wouldn't be the best idea - he finally went out anyway.

At the time we realized he was reaching out, that he was trying to get us to provide a good reason to not to pick up. However, he finally made the move and smoked meth with a former resident who'd left a month earlier.

For a few days after he left we'd get text messages saying he wanted to go to a detox.  And when we would offer to give him a ride he’d promise to call back. We finally did connect with him and help him get into a hospital.

This client's situation is not at all unusual. Often times newcomers want to get high. And many do just that. And some of them don't return so we never hear what happened to them. And there are others who realize that they did something that wasn't in their best interests. So they stay touch with the managers and other friends in the program - perhaps hoping that they will be able to return.

But the addicts who do return never give glowing reports of their using experiences. It’s always a story of how bad they felt about relapsing.  About guilt.  About letting others down.  About feeling demoralized. About having to start over.

Self Defense?

A client knocked off his bicycle when a homeless man shoved a shopping cart into him said he was so angry that when he picked himself up from the roadway he punched the man. Later he felt terrible about the confrontation.

When he talked about this in group a few clients felt he’d done the right thing by punching the man.  After all, wasn't he defending himself?

However, the facilitator pointed out that the law doesn't consider it self-defense to hit someone if it’s possible to run away.

As the group continued the discussion revolved around the effect of such incidents on our recovery. After all, the recovery literature says “we ceased fighting anyone or anything…”  Something that might be in the book to suggest we avoid the drama that swirled about us when we were drinking and drugging.

Yet another client spoke of the potential danger in any violent confrontation.  Too often in such situations one of the parties uses a weapon, something that might have disastrous consequences.

Part of having serenity is to enjoy peace in all areas of our lives. Avoiding unnecessary conflict is one way to have that peace.

Responsibility?

When a client who'd relapsed was discharged from TLC his mother called to complain.

She said he wouldn't have relapsed had we not placed someone in his room who’d recently come off drugs. She said the new resident was a bad influence on her son and that's why he got high. She made no mention of the fact that he might have a modicum of responsibility for his own drug and alcohol use.

Of course I immediately recognized that the mother was likely one of the reasons the young man had the view of life that he did. On one hand, he acted as if he had it all together, on the other he wouldn't accept  responsibility for himself. And apparently that included his recovery.

At one point, once he was further along in the program, he requested permission to seek a part time-job during the mornings. After consulting with his counselor and other team members it was determined that this would be a good idea, a way for him to start assuming responsibility.

However, as soon as he was given permission he had a lot of reasons why he couldn't find a job. He didn't have bus fare. He didn't have a bicycle. His feet hurt when you walked for a long. And a short time later he relapsed again.

While I recognize that it's tough for parents to place responsibility on their children, he will never confront his addiction until he's on his own with no one to rescue him each time he relapses.

In my own case, I didn't change until people stopped helping me. Once everyone cut me loose because of my addictions I began to recognize that I was the source of my problems. A short time later, I began the process of getting into recovery.

It was painful to have to admit I was responsible – but once I realized that my whole life changed. I hope the same thing can happens for this young man.