Back to the World

Following is an email from a recent graduate that I thought was worth sharing:

"I just wanted to appreciate your program once again. I completed the program several weeks ago.

Those still at TLC complain. But when you leave that safety net things on the outside are really a lot tougher than we thought. 

Certainly, the tools which were afforded us in the form of knowledge help. But it's all- out warfare once you leave. There is NOBODY but yourself to blame or rely upon. You are your own checks and balances.

So to those grumbling about the rules, I say: enjoy it, work the program and learn with an open heart and a willing mind. Because those two things are going to soon be your best defense against an all-out war when you return to the world you left behind. 

Even family and super close friends are pushing sobriety to the limit. Luckily I have a great friend that I met while in your program and luckily we keep each other grounded. But believe me when I say the war is very real. 

Thank you for preparing me to at least stand strong in my sobriety. I will be eternally grateful."

(Name omitted to protect anonymity.}

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Update

Within the past two weeks, I wrote about my conversation with an alcoholic who was still drinking.

Actually, he didn't call me, his wife did. She was concerned about his health because he had been drinking a whole lot for a long time.

Anyway, when his wife called we talked briefly then she put him the phone. He was very cordial and spoke quite openly about his drinking and what a problem it had become in his life. He mentioned his health issues, the financial setbacks they had because of his drinking and the fact that he needed to quit. He knew he was destroying his life but there's just no way he could get to treatment because he didn't have the time to be away from work.

But when I suggested that he go into our outpatient clinic or our halfway house program he dug in his heels. He said that he couldn't be off of his job and that he needed to be home to take care of his wife.

When I suggested that he could keep his job while living at our halfway house he seemed interested. However, that quickly changed when I found out that he worked as a bartender three nights a week. Our program doesn't allow clients to do certain jobs, including bartending, driving taxicabs or other occupations that might threaten their recovery. He told me that he wasn't allowed to drink on his job and that they had cameras that kept him from doing that. But I told him that didn't make any difference, that he couldn't work in a bar and be in our program. And that was the end of our conversation.

However, within a week I had an update on his situation. It seems that one day after work he was discovered sitting in the car in his driveway, passed out with the remains of a fifth of vodka at his side. When he was finally aroused and told to go into the house he stood up and fell flat on his face.

As a result of the fall, he lost his front teeth, flattened his nose and broke bones in his face. From what I understand he no longer can work because he has no teeth and is in some type of hospital or care facility recuperating from the fall.

Sometimes life intervenes with us alcoholics and addicts and then we have a chance to get sober and rebuild our lives. Hopefully, that's what will happen for this man.

Click here to email John

Letting go of Anxiety

"I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free." Thich Nhat Hanh

A manager talks to me about being in overwhelming anxiety. He's concerned about his job performance. He's afraid he might be replaced by someone else. He's riddled with fear.

I explained to him that none of those thoughts are real, just ideas that are popping up in his brain. That they have no basis in reality because we haven't had any plans to replace him.

I go on to explain that our anxiety is a natural part of our genetic inheritance. Maybe 100 generations ago, when his ancestors lived on the plains or in the jungles of Africa anxiety was a natural state of being. Those who didn't have concerns about what was hiding behind the next bush or rock might easily become a predator's next victim. Our ancestors, those who handed us our genetic blueprint, survived only because they were wary and fear-based. In some respects, anxiety could have been looked upon as a survival tool.

Today many of us, addicts and non-addicts, experience anxiety. But it's mostly anxiety that's conjured up in our brain. The anxiety we experience today is not an immediate threat to our existence, but too much of it can disrupt our happiness and peace of mind. It can lead to bad health and other physical problems.

Those who come to me with anxiety are those who are always peering into the future, imagining that something dire is about to happen. And even though it's all in their head they sometimes are so worked up that they're on the edge of panic.

My prescription for those who are in this state of mind is always the same: eat well, exercise, and above all – practice mindful meditation.

And I emphasize meditation because the longer we practice the more we free ourselves from our tangled thinking. Meditation helps us realize that our fearful thoughts are not real, just illusions that pass through our minds in sometimes endless streams. And they appear without our help, just as they will pass through our minds and disappear without our help. As we meditate, we observe them and accept them without judgment. 

And as strange as it seems, after a short period of practice our thinking begins to change and our thoughts are not the threatening monsters that used to keep us in a state of unrest.

Click here to email John

Willingness

An acquaintance recently asked if I would be willing to talk to a lady friend of hers who's been married to an alcoholic all of her life. I told her I'd be happy to and gave her my phone number.

The lady called a few days later and we spent about half an hour on the phone discussing her husband's drinking. She said that his drinking had put them into financial ruin. At one time they had business interests and a good lifestyle. But his drinking had lost all of that.

She said he has problems with his kidneys and his liver and because he's in his 60s she doesn't expect him to be around very long if he keeps drinking. I agreed with her and asked if her husband would be willing to speak with me. She said that because her friend recommended me, that she thought he would.  So we set up a time for me to call her back so she could put him on the phone.

Our conversation was pleasant enough, but I could immediately tell that I was dealing with a typical alcoholic. When I suggested that he get into treatment or into a sober environment, like a halfway house, he had many reasons why he couldn't do that. He had to take care of his family. He had a job three days a week as a bartender, and he would lose the job if he didn't show up to work. He didn't want to leave his wife by herself. And he had several other excuses, but you get the idea.

He was very agreeable and pleasant as I pointed out what his drinking would eventually do to him. I explained to him that he had to be motivated to change, that I couldn't provide motivation for him. Nor could his family or anyone else. I explained to him that most of us only change when we get enough pain, like a serious illness, or becoming homeless or getting a DUI and going to jail. He was agreeing with me about everything I said and told me he would "think about it." But the reality is that this man really hasn't had enough pain in his life to make him put down the alcohol.

Those of us who are sober today are truly blessed that we stopped in time.

Click here to email John

Blame Game

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change"  Dr. Robert Anthony

A common characteristic of addicts and alcoholics – and even some so-called normal people – is to blame others. And when we blame others, we render ourselves powerless.

So many times I've heard alcoholics or addicts say "If my mom and dad didn't use I wouldn't have started using." And while it may be true that the parents introduced the child to addiction it doesn't do a lot for that person's recovery today. When we make someone the scapegoat for our behavior it is pretty easy to continue that behavior.

And this kind of blaming goes beyond just blaming parents. Some of us blame the system, claiming that is rigged against us. Or because we're minorities, we blame a racist society for our addiction and our lack of success. Others blame their lack of financial success on their poor education.

But this blame game only goes so far. All of us know someone who was raised in the direst circumstances by the most horrible people. Yet they overcame their upbringing and became successful in spite of all the obstacles.

Some members of my own extended family were raised in dire circumstances. One of them elected to do something with her life got an education, becoming a successful business person. A couple of others are pretty much losers and addicts who blame their parents for their present ugly circumstances and are stuck in a cycle of blaming others for their lack of success.

For many years I blamed my failures on my upbringing. My father was a raging and brutal alcoholic, a nightmare to be around. So it was easy for me to blame him for my drinking and drug use. And for my subsequent years of prison and mental institutions. Ultimately though, I realize that I would never change unless I took responsibility for my own behavior.

And that was the beginning of my road to recovery.

Click here to email John

Another Attaboy

I received this email from a graduate yesterday, a message that I thought was worth sharing. The sender's name is left out to protect his anonymity.

"Good morning Mr. Schwary,

I just left TLC's Dana House and returned home to Colorado.

I want to THANK you. Your program saved my life. Ever thought about trying the program out in Colorado??? There is a HUMONGOUS need for it here in my hometown.

Thanks to you, I now have the tools to start my life completely over. I am reconnecting with my family. Old friends and old behaviors do not even factor into my life. THANK YOU!!"

These are the messages that we like to receive because it shows that our mission of helping substance abusers rebuild their lives does work.

And the reality is that our program works for anyone who puts in the effort.

This man followed TLC guidelines just as they were written. He didn't use alcohol or drugs. He went to meetings. He got a sponsor. He worked and paid his service fees. He participated in program activities.

And if he keeps applying what he learned while with us he'll continue to live a life free of the tyranny of addiction.

Click here to email John

Happiness

“Life is precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There is no need to run, strive, search, or struggle. Just be.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

In the saying above, Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh summarizes one of the major fallacies of our times.

And that is the idea that if things were somehow different our lives would be so much better.

If I had a better job I would be happy. Or if my wife were treating me differently I would be happier. Maybe a nicer car would bring me joy. Or a bigger house.

The reality is that externals very seldom bring us happiness. Yes, maybe we can find a moment of joy if we can change the way we feel. An example of that would be how we feel when we drink alcohol or take a large jolt of our favorite drug. Yes, for a while we feel wonderful, maybe even ecstatic or joyful. And then eventually we come down to earth and many times work very hard to get back to that same state of consciousness. Some of us stay on this treadmill for years: getting high and coming back down, trying to catch one more moment of what we consider to be happiness. And many of us do this for years, at the cost of everything we own and treasure, including our freedom.

We all know someone who is into acquiring new things. Whether it be cars or motorcycles. The latest fashions or jewelry. Yet most of them find, that within a few weeks, the newness has worn off. And the search is on for the next great wonderful thing that will fill that hole. Seeking happiness outside of ourselves is an endless task that seldom or never brings us what we're looking for.

Because what we're really seeking is peace and contentment within.

And we only find that when we have gratitude for just being alive in this great and wonderful universe.

Click here to email John