In the nine years I've been writing this blog I've struck up long-distance friendships with many readers. These friendships normally start when I write about a topic that parallels something that's going on in their lives. When that happens they write to tell me about it.
They thank me for my perspective and input. After that, I hear from them every once in a while. In almost all the cases it's about a loved one who's addicted to something and going to jail, or living on the streets. And when the communication first starts they're quite stressed and frustrated. As time goes on, though, those who continue writing seem to change perspective.
Most come to realize that they're the ones suffering, while their addicted loved one is somewhere in an alcohol or drug induced haze doing whatever the hell they want. The addict doesn't give a crap about anyone but themselves, especially when it gets in the way of their addiction. While they may have some remnants of love for their family, we all know that their drug of choice is number one on the list of the things they love. Family members rank somewhere down around nine or 10 on the list.
My readers who are doing the best are those who have been able to accept that they have no power over the addict. They realize and understand that until the addict gets enough pain and suffering there'll be no change. Most of them withdraw their support – all of it – no matter how hard it is. They've come to understand that when they help an addict with money, rent, cigarettes, transportation or any other type of support that it's the same as buying them their drug of choice.
And this is a painful thing for the parents of an addict. To think that their child might be sleeping outdoors. Or hungry, without clean clothes or having a place to shower. This is really tough on the enablers among them. But I always suggest that they don't help because all they're doing is supporting an addiction. And while they understand it on an intellectual level it's tough to accept on a visceral level.
The only help we should give an addicted family member is a ride to the hospital or detoxification unit. And they won't ask for that ride until things become too painful for them.
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