Sunday, March 25, 2018

Toxic People

It's important for those of us in recovery to keep toxic people out of our lives. It doesn't make any difference whether they're friends, children, grandchildren, or business associates. Whoever they are, we have a choice about who we allow in our lives.

And what I mean by toxic is those who poison the atmosphere wherever they go. They malign others. They spread gossip. They tear people down for no reason. They have a sense of entitlement. They are angry for no reason. They're never wrong. They're resentful, and always trying to get even with others over perceived wrongs, things that never occurred.

In my past 27 years of recovery, I've had to cut off communication with several people who brought poison and vitriol into my life. And three of them, I was related to. One I let go for several years was a son, who finally got his life back on track and today we have a fairly decent relationship.

The other was a grandson, with whom I have no communication. He's been mired in the drug world for years and has mistreated me on more than one occasion. At this point, I'm not sure he'll ever quit feeling sorry for himself and change. But that's not my problem; he's a grown man and eventually, by the grace of God, he will change. But in the meantime, I don't want to be part of his mess.

And this weekend I removed my oldest granddaughter from my life. And I finally did it because I've had enough. For years she's verbally abused my oldest daughter. She's lied about her. She's slandered her. She's done everything within her power to destroy my daughter's reputation in the community. She frequently drops the F-bomb on her. She screams at her and is disrespectful in every way possible.  All of this in spite of my daughter being one of the best mothers I've known.

While my granddaughter is a beautiful woman and a talented singer and songwriter she's never experienced any real success in that field. She lives in Hollywood and has always struggled to support herself. Because of her sense of entitlement, she's unwilling to work a regular job while she pursues her career. Instead, she sponges off family members at times to meet her basic needs. And even though she has trouble supporting herself – somehow she manages to support her "medical" marijuana habit and drive a Mercedes.

My point in all this is that you can give yourself permission to remove anybody you want from your life. And if you're in recovery, as most of my readers are, it's important that you do that – for both you and them. Continuing to tolerate them will do nothing for your serenity and peace of mind; nor will it help them look at themselves and change their behavior.

If they change – which a majority of sick people don't – then you can reconsider having a relationship with them. But in my experience, it often takes years for people with a sense of entitlement to take a good look at themselves. When it does occur, it's usually because they have finally cut themselves off from everyone and have no one else to blame for their circumstances in life.

I got sober to have serenity and peace in my life. I've gotten that and much more by being selective about those I let get close to me.

Click here to email John