Addicts Will Lie

I spoke on the phone yesterday with the relative of a former client, a woman who relapsed within days of leaving our program. My conversation with her confirmed, one more time, how our disease impacts those around us. Apparently the client has been in touch, periodically, with this family member. And because she’s using she's telling the same old lies. One tale she told was that her "roommate was using" and she had to find another place to live. Another lie was that she'd return to TLC, but the program wouldn't accept her back.

And of course the former client was lying. Because our policy is to accept anyone back, unless they committed violence while in the program. Clients who leave and relapse must wait a certain period before returning. But in this client's case she'd been in the program once and had completed her 90 day commitment. She lied to her in-law, possibly to elicit sympathy and maybe borrow money.

The in-law, however, has been in the family long enough to know how our former client behaves. And she's lucky she has that experience. Because so many of my conversations are with family members who have little knowledge of drug addicts and alcoholics. They are baffled and have no clue about how to effectively deal with someone who’s using. And of course the addicts in their lives use every ploy possible to convince them that someone – or something – else is the problem. The addict often uses guilt as a ploy to get help. Or else they will play the victim, claiming the world has it in for them. The stories they weave are creative, but the agenda is the same: to continue feeding their disease until they can no longer do so.

But the nice woman who called knew exactly how to handle the situation because she’s been there before.

We Admitted We Were Powerless...

The first part of the first step says "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol…”  To me this step doesn't just apply to drinking or other substances. It also extends to most other areas of life.

Sometimes I'll be in a counseling session and have this intense desire to impose a solution upon someone who's having problems. Then I have to stop and realize I'm powerless. To me the solution is obvious. But for them, many times, it's like climbing a mountain. So, I make suggestions, try to give them perspective on how to achieve their goals. I can give them all the suggestions I want. However, the outcome is up to them because I have no power.

I only need to look at my own life and remember how many times people wanted to help me change. Even though they had no power their good intentions propelled them to give me suggestions that involved quitting drinking and using drugs. But they couldn't because I wasn't ready. Life hadn't imposed enough penalties upon me. I hadn't spent enough time in jail. I haven't lost enough property or enough relationships. They didn't have the power to change me – only life could do that.

Because their loved ones get sober people sometimes give me or TLC credit. But because I understand how powerless we are I can't pay a lot of attention to their compliments. We only provide an opportunity for people to change. Those who succeed in our program do so because they're doing the hard work. We provide the structure and guidelines; they hopefully take advantage of what we offer.

Our ego says we have power. But life shows us otherwise.

Make Negative Positive

The 12-step literature says "some are sicker than others." It also mentions that some of us are “constitutionally incapable” of change. I was reminded of this yesterday when an old friend called, someone I hadn't talked to in six or seven years.

While bringing me up to speed, she told me of an acquaintance she and I had done business with years earlier. She said this person had organized a community action group involving members who were on an equal footing. However the members all resigned because our mutual acquaintance was so controlling and difficult the organization couldn’t function.

It saddened me to hear this, because this person has supposedly been in recovery for nearly 30 years- yet she's never been able to get along with anyone she can't control. At times she can be charming, friendly, generous - a good example to those around her. But then she will suddenly explode and alienate everyone. And the interesting thing is she’s quick to apologize and make amends. But the amends are empty because before long she does the same thing again. After a while friends, family, and associates give up on her.

I take away a positive lesson from people like this. Negative people redeem themselves by being an example of how I don't want to live. Many years ago, my parole officer told me "John, no one is totally useless – you can always serve as a bad example." At the time I thought he was being funny. But there must've been something in what he told me because that sentence stayed with me. We can use negative behavior as an example.

Today I look at people who behave badly and – without being judgmental – thank God I'm not living my life that way.

A Happy Alcoholic

The text from a friend this morning said "I thought the worst thing that happened to me was becoming alcoholic. Today I realize that it was the best thing."

This statement sums up what happens to many of us in recovery after we're sober a while. We begin to realize that suddenly we're having a beautiful life. At first I was dismayed when I recognized that on top of being a drug addict I was also an alcoholic. Because an alcoholic is something I never wanted to be. My father was a violent and angry alcoholic. My brother was an alcoholic. Both died of their disease at 60 years old. The idea that I was alcoholic was abhorrent to me. I was just a social drinker who liked to party a lot, but an alcoholic? Not me.

In retrospect, I was fooling myself. I always had a bottle with me. In prison I used to manufacture alcohol and share with the other prisoners. Alcohol was never far away. And I was never okay until had a buzz on – even if I was full of other drugs. When dope sick, I would drink to cover the pain. Looking back, the evidence of my alcoholism is overwhelming. But I didn't want to face myself.

Today, like my friend, I realize the best thing that happened is I faced my alcoholism -  admitted I was alcoholic. For then the doors opened.  I started experiencing freedom from the insanity that alcohol and drugs brought into my life. Today, no matter what is going on, I wake up sober and have the courage to face the day. I don't pour alcohol on my problems. I don't need artificial courage to face life.

God blessed me with sobriety and allowed me to join the human race. Just like my friend, realizing that I am alcoholic is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Helping an Acquaintance

A banking acquaintance left a voice mail yesterday asking me to call him about something personal. Immediately I knew what it was about. I've been banking with this man for five years and while he never said anything – I had a sense that somewhere in his family there was a drug addict or alcoholic. He was very supportive of the work we do at TLC – more than the average citizen.

And sure enough, I was right. When I called he wanted help with a nephew who’d started drinking again, and was downing a fifth of whiskey a day.  He was sure he would die if he continued and wondered if I had suggestions. I told him we'd take him into the program and suggested he have the nephew call me. 

Another thing I suggested was to not enable him with money or support. I told him that one of the things that helped me get sober was when everyone quit helping me. At first I thought they were being mean, but soon I realized I was the problem and began seeking help. He became quiet when I told him this, but in a few moments he started to realize what I was saying was probably true. I told him that 

my experience has been that many family members "love people to death."

I told him to give pass my number to the nephew – that I’d be awaiting his call. I haven’t heard from him yet.

Serenity Gone

A client who considers me a serene person asked what happened when I expressed anger and frustration recently while in a challenging situation.  I explained that while I might appear to be serene, life affects all of us - even those with so-called serenity. 

When I face frustration and disappointment I can get off track. The real secret is not to let such experiences derail us. After all we're human beings with human feelings and emotions. If we never get upset we're probably not being real. 

The secret is to remember that life happens and sometimes it doesn't unfold exactly the way I want. If we realize there are always changes in life then we expect them and deal with them.  At one point in my sobriety I considered anger or upset as a personal failing. But the reality is that none of us are gurus and none of us can sidestep the challenges of life.

The secret of remaining free of trouble is to be aware. When I'm unaware of or don't pay attention to my reactions when I get into frustrating situations then my serenity disappears.

Change or Die?

Change is difficult. I was reminded of that recently while rereading a 2005 article in Fast Company magazine, entitled "change or die."

The author described how nine out of ten patients who've had open-heart surgery - when told they’ll die if they don't start exercising, eat right and quit smoking - will not or cannot change.  They keep up their bad habits in spite of the consequences. At first these numbers amazed me, but then my experience with our clients lent credibility to this author's story.

We have clients who relapse repeatedly even though life has shown them it doesn’t work. Fear of jail, institutions or death – doesn’t deter them.

As an outside-of-recovery example, I see the unwillingness to change with our clients who smoke. Statistics show that 18 to 20% of the general population smokes-in spite of the health risks and expense.  But in the recovery community the numbers are upside down: about 80% of recovering addicts and alcoholics smoke. Non-smokers often pass through a cloud of smoke to get into a 12 step meeting. And often during meetings the real addicts take a smoke break because they can't quell their addiction for the hour it takes to complete the meeting.

In the Fast Company article the author says fear of death doesn't make people change. He writes that people will change if they believe they can have a better life.

“The patients lived the way they did as a day-to-day strategy for coping with their emotional troubles.”Telling people who are lonely and depressed that they're going to live longer if they quit smoking or change their diet and lifestyle is not that motivating," a doctor cited in the article says. "Who wants to live longer when you're in chronic emotional pain?"

So instead of trying to motivate them with the "fear of dying," One of the doctors re-frames the issue. He inspires a new vision of the "joy of living" -- convincing patients they can feel better, not just live longer. That means enjoying the things that make daily life pleasurable, like making love or even taking long walks without the pain caused by their disease. "Joy is a more powerful motivator than fear," he says.

I believe this article correlates with what we try to do at TLC: to show our clients they can have a more joyful existence when they stop their negative addictions – a lifestyle they can gain by living by 12-step principles.