Rigid about Recovery

When I was sober fifteen years an old using buddy from California found me on the internet.

He told me he hadn't used heroin for over ten years.

He'd been working in a treatment program for a long time and wondered if I'd like to get together with him and his wife.

At first I agreed. But when it came out that he still drank once in a while, I declined his invitation. I think it hurt his feelings because we'd been friends for some time. And I haven't heard from him since.

A commitment I made when I got sober was to not do things that might jeopardize my recovery.

That means I don't hang out in nightclubs or bars. I don't attend events where drinking is the main activity. I can be around social drinkers when necessary, like at a wedding or fund-raising banquet.

Even when my son relapsed a few years on alcohol and heroin I stayed clear of him for the two years he was using.

Rigid? Dogmatic? Yes, because my sobriety set me free.

And I never want to jeopardize that freedom.

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Finding Gratitude

An addict wonders what he has to be grateful for.

He's living in a halfway house. His family's not speaking to him. His kids are somewhere with his ex-wife. His parole officer's threatening him with arrest if he doesn't clean up. He's broke and doesn't have a job.

He goes on and on while I suppress the urge to tell him to stop whining.

Instead, I share with him what I do when I drift toward feeling sorry for myself.

Instead of going there, I look at the world around me. When I do I always find a reason for gratitude.

For example, this morning I saw news coverage of the war in Gaza. Innocent people are dying over the question of who worships the right god.

That one news item reminds me that while I live in an imperfect country, at least I can believe whatever I choose. No one will blow me up for my beliefs.

But we don't have to look at a foreign country. We can look around our own city and find those with challenges - mental, physical, or financial. And sometimes all of them at once.

When you’re feeling down look around you. You’ll find reasons for gratitude.

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Real Fire

At the office we sometimes use the term "putting out fires" when someone asks about our day.

This means, of course, solving issues that need immediate attention.

But yesterday we had a real fire at our Roosevelt property.

The fire department put it out right away. There was damage to two rooms and loss of personal items.

A short in the electrical wiring was the possible cause.

Even though there's thousands in damages, I came away grateful there were no injuries.

Also, I'm thankful we have a quick thinking staff. They took charge and got everyone out of harm's way.

My first instinct while driving there was to focus on what might happen. We could lose the whole building. Where would we put the clients? My addict brain kept chattering.

Then I took a deep breath. I already knew everyone was safe. We have great insurance. We have open beds at other locations.

Even though this is a minor setback, things could have turned out differently.

And I thank God they didn't.

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Back to Basics

A woman who's been sober for several years said she had to get back to basics.

For most of her recovery, life had been smooth.

She reunited with her children. The company she worked for many years rehired her.

She found a new relationship with a man who understood and accepted her disease. They bought a home together.

And then things started to get rough. She and her boyfriend were at odds. She began having disagreements with her employer. Her children were angry at her. Dark clouds were gathering over her life.

She asked her sponsor what could be going on. And the sponsor asked how many meetings she'd been attending over the last few months.

And that's when she decided to get back to basics.

She'd stopped doing the basics that had contributed to her success.

Now that she's going to meetings her life is getting back on track.

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Good Examples

As part of my recovery I often make a gratitude list.

And when I do I find that the simplest things sometimes make it onto the list.

For example, our two Chihuahuas - Jose and Lucy - made it onto the list this week.

Now the dog owners among you will understand my gratitude.

But for those of you who are not, I'll explain.

While I'm not one who attributes human qualities to dogs, their behavior is still an example for us humans. Especially us humans in recovery.

They're much better than I am about letting go of resentments. One moment they they'll be fighting over a bone. Five minutes later they're rolling around and playing together

If someone had snarled at me like that I'd be pouting for a week and whining to my sponsor. But they just get over it.

When I show up after a long day, they never ask where I've been. Or what took me so long because they're hungry. Instead, they welcome me with leaps of joy.

They're an example of total acceptance and unconditional love - things I'm still working on.

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Helping Clients

Sometimes our halfway house managers don't know what to do when clients break the rules.

They're upset when one relapses. Or comes in late for curfew. Or gets involved in a relationship with another client.

The knee-jerk reaction is to discharge the client. Or perhaps give a punishment that doesn't match the offense.

My counsel to them is that clients don't come to us as healthy, well-adjusted, human beings. After all, they come to us in hopes of changing their behavior.

And while we don't have the power to make them better, we do provide guidance so they can improve their lives. We try to help them to the point where they can check their own behavior and avoid relapse.

As long as clients are trying to change – even if they at times go sideways – I believe we should work with them.

We should only discharge them if they have a chronic bad attitude. Or, if their behavior threatens other clients or the integrity of the program.

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Showing Respect

Over 10 years ago, we had a supervisor who struck terror wherever he went on the property. He would shout at managers and clients. He would talk down to them. He would disparage them.

One day, when I accidentally overheard him berating a manager, I called him to my office.

I told him if I ever heard of him talking to anyone like that again he was gone. All I wanted to hear was how nice he was treating everyone.

And for the next few weeks I got good feedback. He was treating everyone well.

Then one day he came to my office and resigned. It was too difficult for him to change. So he was going to find another job.

Since that time we make it point to teach managers how to talk to clients and other employees.

No matter what someone has done, even if it's wrong or stupid, we ask that they treat them with respect and dignity.

We do nothing positive when we raise their stress level by being rough on them.

And in the process we raise our own stress level, all of which runs counter to recovery.

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