Becoming Responsible

A week rarely passes that I don't get an inquiry from a mother asking for help for their son or daughter.

And I always answer them, but I sometimes wonder what would happen if the mother told her child that she was old enough to find help for herself. 

The point here is not to be be hard hearted.  But the reality is that if the child wanted to get tickets to a concert or make reservations at a hotel for a vacation they would have no problem picking up the phone or going onto the internet to start searching.

The only time a prospective client calls on their own is when they've run out of people to help them.  When they get really desperate they somehow find the intelligence and energy to seek help for themselves.

The same thing happened in my own case.  I kept asking my family for help during the years I was using and finally they got tired of it.  It was only when they told me they were no longer going to help me that I sought help on my own.

And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I first got sober.  Then I started a business that has been operating for about 30 years.  Before my parents died I was able to make amends to them and repay them for the many times they'd helped me.

Once we take responsibility the for ourselves there's no telling where life will take us.  But it's usually to a much better place that we came from.

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Honor to the Veterans

One of my early memories came in September of 1945 when the president of the United States announced the end of World War II and the surrender of the Japanese.  I recall how the neighbors ran into the streets of our Newport Beach neighborhood, singing, dancing and sharing bottles of alcohol.  It was a truly joyous time in our country and the beginning of a new era.

I think that many people at the time thought that world-wide conflicts would be a thing of the past.  But, as we all know that was a myth, a hope for a better future that many people shared.  Because there's rarely been a time when there hasn't been a conflict between countries in some corner of the world or other.

Military conflict touched my own life in a very personal way when my youngest daughter came home one day and announced that she'd was joining the army just three years after terrorists knocked down the towers in New York City.  When I said she couldn't do that without my permission she reminded me that she was 18 years old and didn't need my permission.

At first I was afraid she wouldn't come back but then I rationalized that the military probably wouldn't send a teenage girl into a dangerous area.  But, before I knew it she was on the border of of Afghanistan and Pakistan in as much danger as anyone else.

Even though she was in a danger zone I somehow was protected from fear and believed she would come back safely.  And she did come back whole.  Though she has had psychological effects from her experiences.

Today we honor those who put their lives on the line to protect the rest of us from harm.  There will likely never be a time when the warriors among us won't be sent to strange places to protect our country's interests,  some putting their lives on the line and some losing them in the process.

I'm just grateful that my child lives a few miles away and I can visitor her whenever I like.

And today I get to thank her for her service.

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Losing Friends

There's an aura of sadness over our office today because one of our long-time employees is on a ventilator in a local hospital.  He's had health problems for some time and has been in and out of the hospital more than once over the last few years.

He's been with us for so many years he's become part of the family.  He'll do anything for anyone and we're afraid that maybe this time he's not coming  back home.  Though no one can predict whether he's going to make it through this, the reports coming from the hospital are less and less positive as the hours pass.  We all are praying that he makes it through.  We hope he proves us wrong because he's done it before but this time his condition is more complicated, at least from the reports we've been getting.

One thing that's different about TLC from a lot of programs is that if one wants to stay here they can stay for the rest of their lives.  Whether they have money or not.  And for many people who have lost their family and relatives over the years it's the perfect place for them to be.  We have become a surrogate family for many of them.

A few have been with us for 20 years.  And many times people tell us they thought we were a transitional program.  That people come here to get well and learn to live and then move on. 

While that's true in most cases, there are many who come here and become part of the volunteer team that helps others get sober and change their lives.  They build a circle of friends around them - an extended family that helps one another rebuild their lives.  A family that helps them stay away from drugs and alcohol.

They learn generosity and find love and caring for their fellow man that they never had before. And in the end I think they (and all of us) find that the most important thing in life is those around us - the people we love and who love us.

We hope our friend gets home once again.

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Panhandlers

We've all seen them as we drive through our city.  Panhandlers.  Bums.  Some of them with crude signs standing on the corners asking for donations.  Some will be playing a guitar and singing.   And the question is should we give them anything?  After all,  I work for my money.  I have a home and a car.  And I work for them.

Sometimes, if it's convenient and I have change I'll pass it out the window.  And they'll bless me with a thank you.  But other times I'll be in a mood and drive by and give them nothing.  Later I'll think I should have given them something.

Once I gave $5.00 to a couple outside a Walgreen's.  And as I did so a woman sitting in a car next to mine told me I shouldn't have done that because they would just use the money to buy dope.  While it was none of her business, I really couldn't disagree with her.

And the reason I didn't disagree with her is because of something my sponsor told me one time. He said always give panhandlers what you can afford, that way they may get to the bottom quicker.  And it was good logic because until I reached my bottom I never had any motivation to get sober.

Many of us went through a lot of dope or booze or both before we came to the point where we could no longer stand the pain.  

So I believe we should give what we can - we might help save a life.

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The Art of Giving

For 15 years or more I've had a friend who is a perfect example of giving.   When asked, he never says no.  If someone needs a ride, he gives it to them.  If they need help with moving, he's there.  For example he recently flew to the East coast to drive a friend in a U-Haul who was moving back to Arizona.  Other than complaining about being a little tired after the trip, I think he'd probably do it again if asked.

He often volunteers to help others to the point where he's exhausted.  And I think one of the reasons he's so generous with his time and energy is that he lives a live of gratitude.  Much of his conversation revolves around the blessings he's found in his life of sobriety.  And while this is only my opinion, I think his generosity is based on what sobriety has brought to his life.  His walk is an example to others.

While I've been sober for much longer than he has, I only wish I had a portion of the helpfulness he gives others.  He's a person who asks for nothing, who seldom displays anger or ego - all qualities we could strive for.

He does his best to make the world a more beautiful place.  Because he likes to garden, new plants and flowers appear all the time whenever he finds an empty plot of dirt.  A picture will appear on a bare wall.  Once in a while he'll show up at my office with a lunch he's prepared in our community kitchen.

Because he has training in barbering and hair care, he often volunteers to cut a newcomer's hair at no cost.  And while he's doing it he gets a chance to tell them what recovery has brought to his life.

For the past few years, in the midst of all his busyness, he's been acting as a caretaker for an elderly relative who is fighting a terminal disease.  Any of you who have take care of a sick relative knows how stressful and draining it can be to care for some who is in the final stages of life.

If you have a challenge, ask what he would do.  You may not know who I'm talking about.  But ask me and I'll introduce you to him.

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Karma?

Each morning I stop at my local Circle K and buy a small coffee while on my way to work.  And when I pay for it, I always tell the clerk to put the change in the donation box.

A couple of them have been there for some time and so we always greet each other and wish each other a good day.  And it's the same routine each day.  I lay down my two dollars and tell them to put the change in the donation box.  

But lately our routine has been changing.  Because every once in a while when I go to pay, they wave me on, telling me it's on the house.

When it first happened a few months back I was surprised.  But l thanked the clerk and went on my way.

As time goes on it seems like it happens more often because when no one's around they wave me on and wish me a good day.

Because I'm a person who tends to overanalyze everything I started thinking about the free coffee I get every so often.  And the only conclusion I can come to is that because I donate a bit of change each time I pay they may want to do something nice in return.    

Is it Karma?  Their way of recognizing my small contributions?   Either way it feels good so I plan to continue.

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Hedonic Treadmill

One of the characteristic beliefs of many addicts - and non-addicts - is that money will bring them success and happiness.  Not so.  

Now there's little doubt that money will bring us a degree of pleasure, at least on a temporary basis.  But when we tire of that pleasure, we think that maybe a little more will make our lives wonderful.  So, we work to get a bigger house.  A nicer car.  A better wardrobe.  More jewelry.  And stuff that we think will fulfill our lives.

In psychology it is often described as the "hedonic treadmill."  I run and run harder and faster to accumulate more stuff.  Then I'll be happy.  But sooner or later we find that more stuff is not the key to happiness.  Many wear themselves out on the treadmill, and soon realize that there other ways to happiness aside from accumulating stuff that only brings pleasure for while.

Those who get off that path may decide to improve their lives by going to school.  Learning to play a musical instrument.  Joining a church. Volunteering at a senior center, or becoming active in sponsoring others in recovery.

When we devote ourselves to learning a new skill or to helping others improve their lives then we find true happiness.

I once thought the same way:  that a lot of material things would make me happy.  But once I got those things they didn't give me what I wanted.   

So I devoted my life to helping others change for the better and achieve their goals in life.  That's what brought me the happiness that I have today.

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