Happy Father's Day to all the dads among us.
Much of the baggage that our clients bring to TLC involves being poor or absentee fathers. Many of the discussions I have with new clients involve their relationships with their children.
Many of them wonder, after so many years of using drugs, going to jail, being homeless, and not being there for their children if there's a chance that they'll be able to reunite with them. And these conversations usually take place within the first weeks or months that they're in our program. Because that's when their anxiety level is usually at its peak.
I always assure them that at first, their family members are quite likely to be skeptical of their ability to stay clean and sober. After all, this is not the first time that many of them tried to get sober – then relapsed.
But my experience has been, that after six months to a year of an addict or alcoholic remaining clean and sober the family starts to think that maybe this time something is different. My experience is that if someone stays sober for two years, generally they have opened lines of communication with their family. And it seems that most families, particularly if they are functional and so-called normal, have nothing but the greatest hopes that their loved ones are on the right track at last.
In my own case, my family had only known me for many years as someone who was away in jail or prison. Or else seriously addicted to heroin and alcohol running amok all over the landscape trying to find more and more of my favorite drug. I was really a loser when it came to being a parent because I was never there for my children.
Once I got sober and became successful I explained to them that I could never make up for the lost time or the years that I was away from them. I told them that all I could do, when I got sober 28 years ago, was to be the best father I could be for the rest of my life. And I've made every effort to try and be that person – though I'm not sure I've always succeeded.
Today I have a good relationship with my children. We take vacations together. Some of us work together. And we really don't spend a lot of time delving into the past. I found in my 28 years of sobriety that family is the most important thing, much more than any amount of material things.
If someone would've told me 28 years ago when I got sober that I would have my family back in my life, including a new daughter that I never knew about who was born in 1969, I wouldn't have believed them. But for me, one of the great joys of my life is my children – and grandchildren – relationships that I never believed that I would have.
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