A client in aftercare, who felt like drinking, admitted he didn’t have a sponsor.
When I asked why, he said he couldn’t find “a match.” He’d fired several because they didn’t seem to have time for him. Or they weren’t “on the same page.” Or they were always playing phone tag, something he hated.
“Do you think you might want to drink because you don’t have sponsor and haven’t been through the steps?” I asked.
He didn’t disagree. But he continued blaming lack of a sponsor on being unable to find “the right person.” I finally changed the conversation by pointing out that it sounded more like he was looking for someone to agree with him instead of someone to point out what needed changing.
He then said he was able figure out the program on his own simply by reading the book. When I heard this I shared with him what someone told me a long time ago: that if I'm trying to sponsor myself I'm trying to fix something that's broken with something that's broken. And that just doesn't make sense
An impediment to getting sober is looking for the perfect person to help us because we’re so “special.” I had two sponsors before I finally found the one I’ve had for fifteen years. None was perfect, nor is the one I have now. But he’s helped me stay sober through good times and bad – and that’s perfect enough.
And there’s nothing wrong with firing a sponsor. I’ve been fired by sponsees who didn’t like what I asked them to do. In fact I once ran into a former sponsee who’d fired me three years earlier. He cheerfully pointed out he’d been sober for some three years “in spite of” having had me as a sponsor.
It didn’t hurt my feelings and we’re both still sober.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Some Don't Make It...
A client came to my office upset because many of her friends have left the program and relapsed. She somehow felt responsible, like she could have done something for them.
"How much power do you have over others?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You can't control others," I told her. "We’re lucky if we can control ourselves."
She had been sober some four months and felt bad because so many of her peers didn't last long after they left. I suggested she look at each of their situations.
I told her to evaluate these women and see what she could learn from their relapse. What did they miss in the program? Did they go to meetings? Did they have an exit plan? Were they returning to old playgrounds and playmates?
Often clients leave on a whim, without a plan. They have little savings, no insurance, no transportation, and no support group. I've heard people say they're leaving because "I've been here long enough." that is no plan at all if one wants to stay sober.
And I reminded our client of another reality of recovery: most alcoholics and addicts don’t succeed at getting sober. Those of us who do are the lucky ones.
"How much power do you have over others?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You can't control others," I told her. "We’re lucky if we can control ourselves."
She had been sober some four months and felt bad because so many of her peers didn't last long after they left. I suggested she look at each of their situations.
I told her to evaluate these women and see what she could learn from their relapse. What did they miss in the program? Did they go to meetings? Did they have an exit plan? Were they returning to old playgrounds and playmates?
Often clients leave on a whim, without a plan. They have little savings, no insurance, no transportation, and no support group. I've heard people say they're leaving because "I've been here long enough." that is no plan at all if one wants to stay sober.
And I reminded our client of another reality of recovery: most alcoholics and addicts don’t succeed at getting sober. Those of us who do are the lucky ones.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Point of View
There’s a Hindu parable about six blind men who are asked to describe an elephant. One feels the trunk and thinks the elephant is like a large snake. Another wraps his arms around the elephant’s leg and says the elephant is like a tree trunk. Another holds its tail and describes the elephant as being like a strong rope. The parable goes on-and-on and several versions are available on the internet.
I thought of this parable today after a member of a well-known world-wide church called to ask what she and her organization could do to help. The parable came up because of my experiences with members of this church over the years.
Fifteen years ago some were in the forefront of legal action to close down part of our operations in Arizona. Others have told me privately that the community doesn’t want us here in Mesa. Yet, still others have provided us with thousands of dollars worth of clothing vouchers so our clients can be presentable while looking for work. And some have come to our offices to ask what they can do to help and have brought hundreds of shaving kits and personal hygiene items for our clients.
So back to the lady who called. She said a friend in the church had been helping us for a few years and that her group would like to also help. We spoke for 15 minutes or so and settled on a project for her group – providing gift bags of personal care items for the women’s program for Christmas.
I never refuse help as I believe we shouldn’t break the cycle of giving – even when it’s from an organization that leaves me confused. And something I’ve come to realize over the years is that no organization is a monolith that always presents a seamless belief or philosophy. I think the members of this church who were trying to close us down believed what they were doing was good – that they were trying to rid the city of a bad element. That they were mistaken doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hateful – maybe just folks who didn’t realize we’re pretty much like anyone else with problems.
So, we’ll take their help and be grateful.
I thought of this parable today after a member of a well-known world-wide church called to ask what she and her organization could do to help. The parable came up because of my experiences with members of this church over the years.
Fifteen years ago some were in the forefront of legal action to close down part of our operations in Arizona. Others have told me privately that the community doesn’t want us here in Mesa. Yet, still others have provided us with thousands of dollars worth of clothing vouchers so our clients can be presentable while looking for work. And some have come to our offices to ask what they can do to help and have brought hundreds of shaving kits and personal hygiene items for our clients.
So back to the lady who called. She said a friend in the church had been helping us for a few years and that her group would like to also help. We spoke for 15 minutes or so and settled on a project for her group – providing gift bags of personal care items for the women’s program for Christmas.
I never refuse help as I believe we shouldn’t break the cycle of giving – even when it’s from an organization that leaves me confused. And something I’ve come to realize over the years is that no organization is a monolith that always presents a seamless belief or philosophy. I think the members of this church who were trying to close us down believed what they were doing was good – that they were trying to rid the city of a bad element. That they were mistaken doesn’t necessarily mean they’re hateful – maybe just folks who didn’t realize we’re pretty much like anyone else with problems.
So, we’ll take their help and be grateful.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Client Becomes RN
I got a wonderful email today from a client who said he'd been sober for four years and had recently received his degree as an R.N. Stories like this are the real reason I show up to work each day. To have played even a small role in his success story is a blessing.
This man was unique at TLC In that he was the first client who lived with us who had no kidneys. As I recall he had undergone a transplant prior to his arrival but continued using until it failed. While with us he went to dialysis each week.
To me this man's story is inspiring because it shows- not only the power of our disease- but the miracles that can occur once we start into recovery. How often do we hear of a dedicated addict who can overcome his addiction to become a nurse?
In his email he says: “I really have you and Rockie to thank for the way my life is today. While I didn't get it while I was living there, you guys gave me the tools I needed to turn my life around and for that I am GRATEFUL.. “
While we're grateful for an attaboy the reality is that he took advantage of the opportunity to get clean and changed his life.
This man was unique at TLC In that he was the first client who lived with us who had no kidneys. As I recall he had undergone a transplant prior to his arrival but continued using until it failed. While with us he went to dialysis each week.
To me this man's story is inspiring because it shows- not only the power of our disease- but the miracles that can occur once we start into recovery. How often do we hear of a dedicated addict who can overcome his addiction to become a nurse?
In his email he says: “I really have you and Rockie to thank for the way my life is today. While I didn't get it while I was living there, you guys gave me the tools I needed to turn my life around and for that I am GRATEFUL.. “
While we're grateful for an attaboy the reality is that he took advantage of the opportunity to get clean and changed his life.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Breaking Anonymity
A regular follower of this blog commented about her outrage when an actress on Real Housewives revealed on the show that another character was in a 12-step program.
She wrote, in part “…treating it (alcoholism) as something negative and shameful is horrid and secondly telling the world something one wants to keep ANONYMOUS is worse…” She went on to talk about taking action to let others know of “this injustice.”
I agree with the reader that breaking this woman’s anonymity is bad, but it only illustrates the attitude many folks have about alcoholism and drug addiction. They often view it as a character weakness or moral defect and have little tolerance for those of us who have these problems.
One way I am able to understand those negative about alcoholism and drug addiction is to look at my own views about things I don’t understand. For example, I don’t understand gambling, bulimia, or overeating because I don’t have those problems. I used to think that they should just quit and straighten up. However, I’ve never thought it was okay to hurt another human by discussing their weaknesses and character defects publicly.
The idea that someone would intentionally try to ruin the reputation of another human being goes beyond the issue of breaking anonymity. It has a lot to do with character. I believe perceptive observers will have more sympathy with the person who was exposed than the person who revealed the problem.
Being in recovery I believe we are living testimonials to the benefits of the 12-step programs. The best way to combat these kinds of public attacks is to be tolerant and continue to live right.
She wrote, in part “…treating it (alcoholism) as something negative and shameful is horrid and secondly telling the world something one wants to keep ANONYMOUS is worse…” She went on to talk about taking action to let others know of “this injustice.”
I agree with the reader that breaking this woman’s anonymity is bad, but it only illustrates the attitude many folks have about alcoholism and drug addiction. They often view it as a character weakness or moral defect and have little tolerance for those of us who have these problems.
One way I am able to understand those negative about alcoholism and drug addiction is to look at my own views about things I don’t understand. For example, I don’t understand gambling, bulimia, or overeating because I don’t have those problems. I used to think that they should just quit and straighten up. However, I’ve never thought it was okay to hurt another human by discussing their weaknesses and character defects publicly.
The idea that someone would intentionally try to ruin the reputation of another human being goes beyond the issue of breaking anonymity. It has a lot to do with character. I believe perceptive observers will have more sympathy with the person who was exposed than the person who revealed the problem.
Being in recovery I believe we are living testimonials to the benefits of the 12-step programs. The best way to combat these kinds of public attacks is to be tolerant and continue to live right.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Another Angry Client
An angry client threatened to sue me after I referred him to a 30-day treatment program before I would recommend him to return to work. He requested copies of the evaluation I had performed and also wanted copies of my credentials – all of which I provided to him.
He must've calmed down after a while because I didn't hear from him or his attorney about the lawsuit. And eventually he went into the treatment program I referred him to and successfully completed. The final part of the process was a follow-up evaluation.
At the follow-up he was a changed person. He thanked me more than once for referring him to the treatment program. He gained some new insights into his addictions and had a follow-up program that would help him stay clean and sober. He apologized for his initial anger at my recommendation, saying he realized what he needed to do - but really didn't want to do it. He spoke glowingly of the treatment he received and said that he had a new lease on life. For the first time in years he felt comfortable in his own skin and was experiencing genuine happiness.
It's sometimes difficult to recommend treatment for 30, 60 or 90 days. People often claim they have no income, that they won't be able to pay bill and being away will disrupt their family life. And when when they come at me this way I always have pretty much the same response. I tell them if you don't get into treatment and deal with your addiction you aren't going to have an income or a family because you'll either be in the hospital, in jail, or dead. While this might seem a harsh assessment to some, it's a reality that I have seen all too often.
Before I got sober I didn't want to go to a halfway house because I didn't want to miss work. And I didn't. And I ended up losing everything. I lost my home. I lost my car. I lost my job. And at that point I had no choice. I was either going to end up in jail or go to a halfway house. I chose the latter. If I'd have been as smart as the client I'm talking about here I would have gone to a halfway house and saved myself a lot of work, the work it took for me to rebuild my life.
He must've calmed down after a while because I didn't hear from him or his attorney about the lawsuit. And eventually he went into the treatment program I referred him to and successfully completed. The final part of the process was a follow-up evaluation.
At the follow-up he was a changed person. He thanked me more than once for referring him to the treatment program. He gained some new insights into his addictions and had a follow-up program that would help him stay clean and sober. He apologized for his initial anger at my recommendation, saying he realized what he needed to do - but really didn't want to do it. He spoke glowingly of the treatment he received and said that he had a new lease on life. For the first time in years he felt comfortable in his own skin and was experiencing genuine happiness.
It's sometimes difficult to recommend treatment for 30, 60 or 90 days. People often claim they have no income, that they won't be able to pay bill and being away will disrupt their family life. And when when they come at me this way I always have pretty much the same response. I tell them if you don't get into treatment and deal with your addiction you aren't going to have an income or a family because you'll either be in the hospital, in jail, or dead. While this might seem a harsh assessment to some, it's a reality that I have seen all too often.
Before I got sober I didn't want to go to a halfway house because I didn't want to miss work. And I didn't. And I ended up losing everything. I lost my home. I lost my car. I lost my job. And at that point I had no choice. I was either going to end up in jail or go to a halfway house. I chose the latter. If I'd have been as smart as the client I'm talking about here I would have gone to a halfway house and saved myself a lot of work, the work it took for me to rebuild my life.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Not Even a Day Off
A friend lost his job this week and made it through the crisis with the help of the 12 steps and his circle of recovering friends.
As soon he found out he'd been fired he picked up the phone to let everyone know what had happened. They provided emotional support and encouragement as the reality of being jobless settled upon him.
It was miraculous to see this man deal with this transition with calmness, clarity, and a belief that he would soon find another position. Because last year this magnitude of crisis might have sent him back to the bottle.
As time passes I've seen this man weather a few crises and each time he comes through the other side sober. Once he had a serious confrontation with a supervisor that finally resolved itself when my friend accepted his role in the situation.
And, guess what? It all turned out well when someone he knew from previous employment called to offer him work. He wasn't unemployed for even a day. Another example of the blessings of sobriety?
As soon he found out he'd been fired he picked up the phone to let everyone know what had happened. They provided emotional support and encouragement as the reality of being jobless settled upon him.
It was miraculous to see this man deal with this transition with calmness, clarity, and a belief that he would soon find another position. Because last year this magnitude of crisis might have sent him back to the bottle.
As time passes I've seen this man weather a few crises and each time he comes through the other side sober. Once he had a serious confrontation with a supervisor that finally resolved itself when my friend accepted his role in the situation.
And, guess what? It all turned out well when someone he knew from previous employment called to offer him work. He wasn't unemployed for even a day. Another example of the blessings of sobriety?
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