Perfect as the Enemy of Good

A client in aftercare, who felt like drinking, admitted he didn’t have a sponsor.

When I asked why, he said he couldn’t find “a match.” He’d fired several because they didn’t seem to have time for him. Or they weren’t “on the same page.” Or they were always playing phone tag, something he hated.

“Do you think you might want to drink because you don’t have sponsor and haven’t been through the steps?” I asked.

He didn’t disagree. But he continued blaming lack of a sponsor on being unable to find “the right person.” I finally changed the conversation by pointing out that it sounded more like he was looking for someone to agree with him instead of someone to point out what needed changing.

He then said he was able figure out the program on his own simply by reading the book. When I heard this I shared with him what someone told me a long time ago: that if I'm trying to sponsor myself I'm trying to fix something that's broken with something that's broken. And that just doesn't make sense

An impediment to getting sober is looking for the perfect person to help us because we’re so “special.” I had two sponsors before I finally found the one I’ve had for fifteen years. None was perfect, nor is the one I have now. But he’s helped me stay sober through good times and bad – and that’s perfect enough.

And there’s nothing wrong with firing a sponsor. I’ve been fired by sponsees who didn’t like what I asked them to do. In fact I once ran into a former sponsee who’d fired me three years earlier. He cheerfully pointed out he’d been sober for some three years “in spite of” having had me as a sponsor.

It didn’t hurt my feelings and we’re both still sober.