A client came to my office upset because many of her friends have left the program and relapsed. She somehow felt responsible, like she could have done something for them.
"How much power do you have over others?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"You can't control others," I told her. "We’re lucky if we can control ourselves."
She had been sober some four months and felt bad because so many of her peers didn't last long after they left. I suggested she look at each of their situations.
I told her to evaluate these women and see what she could learn from their relapse. What did they miss in the program? Did they go to meetings? Did they have an exit plan? Were they returning to old playgrounds and playmates?
Often clients leave on a whim, without a plan. They have little savings, no insurance, no transportation, and no support group. I've heard people say they're leaving because "I've been here long enough." that is no plan at all if one wants to stay sober.
And I reminded our client of another reality of recovery: most alcoholics and addicts don’t succeed at getting sober. Those of us who do are the lucky ones.
It does suck getting close to people in recovery making new friends, watching them grow and watching them leave, hearing of there relapse. It does make us sad. But its true we have no control over what other people do. And it is also true that we should ask ourselves, "what can we learn from this". I know for me I do feel responsible if someone is wanting to get help. Other than that I know that I really have to distant myself from that person or even a family member because my recovery is and should be the most important. It was said to me that whatever I put in front of my recovery I will lose.
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