Set them Free...

“If you love something set it free. And if it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it…”   Author unknown

An alcoholic was upset with his girlfriend who had cut him loose over who knows what.  The quote above - a humorous twist on an old saying - reminds me of his response. It seems like he really cared about her and the idea that she had cut him loose is something he found unacceptable.

Apparently he began – according to her – sending endless e-mails and leaving innumerable voice messages. And all to no avail. After the barrage of communications she wanted even less to do with him.

I've seen this situation more than once in the 21+  years I've been sober. An addict or alcoholic is sober for a while, and then falls in love with the woman of his dreams. But maybe it doesn't work out after a while. And rather than move on, those of us with a fragile alcoholic/addict ego are crushed. Instead of looking at the situation objectively we take it personally, thinking something is wrong with us. And we often spend a lot of time in fruitless attempts to figure out what we did wrong and to get back with our former lover.

When those I sponsor get into this situation I explain to them that - even for sober people - relationships are volatile. Why else do we have a divorce rate of over 50% in our country? Living with another person and being consistently kind and generous and understanding is not easy. But for a self-centered, self-absorbed alcoholic or addict it can often be near impossible.

That's probably why we hear in the rooms that we shouldn't get into a new relationship for at least a year after we are sober.