We're Powerless Over Others

A relative called yesterday to tell me about ongoing problems she’s having with her mother.

           

 “She wants me to fail,” she told me with stress and anger in her voice. “She hates me!” She went on like this for a while. Her mother’s abusive. Her mother’s jealous. Finally I stopped her.

           

 “Do you really believe your mother hates you? I asked.

           

 “That’s the way she acts. I never do anything right. Now that I’m becoming successful she’s jealous. I’m not going to talk to her!”

I told her it sounded like she and her mother loved one another very much. Otherwise they wouldn’t be having this angry dialogue – one that's been going on for years. I gave her ideas of how she could resolve their issues. However, she rejected them all.

Finally, out of frustration, I gave up and told her that if she couldn’t change her mother or herself then she would have to accept the poor communication. She didn’t like that idea either.

Finally, I shared with her that one thing I learned in the 12-step programs is that I’m powerless over everyone and everything. Once I accepted that I was powerless, life became smoother.

When none of my suggestions seemed to work for her,  I gently told her to continue enjoying her misery. After all, I never gave up anything until it became too painful to hold on to any longer.