Tough Loving

I was on the phone yesterday with concerned parents who’d flown their son to Arizona from another state so he could get clean at TLC.  However, he only lasted a few days, saying the program had “too many rules.”  Now the boy’s in jail in Phoenix, something about a felony charge for shoplifting and other offenses.

The one thing I know about the parents is that they love their son. Their pain was palpable as they told me about his next court appearance and discussed their options. Should they bail him out? Take him clothes for his court appearance? Hire an attorney? Could he go back to TLC?  What to do?  Gut wrenching questions with no clear answers or outcomes.

Of course my recommendation is to be tough. Leave him in jail. Let him feel consequences. Quit bailing him out of trouble. Let him learn that behavior has consequences. Let him try to sleep on hard jail beds for awhile. Eat crappy jail food. Show him what his future looks like.

I got sober over 20 years ago because everyone gave up. No more handouts. No more crashing on their couch. I lived on the streets. Went to jail. Slept in abandoned buildings. Shoplifted for drug money.  Stole liquor to kill the pain of withdrawal. Went into supermarkets and ate while pretending to shop - then left without buying anything. A painful, ugly existence.

But one day the pain stopped. Why? Because I figured out I was responsible – because people quit enabling me. I was angry when they quit helping. Today I’m grateful to them for helping me change.

They saved my life...