We addicts have all kinds of excuses for using. And often that keeps us from changing.
And when we tell our sad stories to counselors or therapists they often cosign our bullshit. They understood why we drank, or smoked, or slammed a needle in our arms. Or at least they acted like they did. And that didn't help me get well because I needed someone to make me look at reality. Someone to be a little tough with me in a positive way.
When I was in my teens, I was in a rage. Life was unfair. The world was cruel. Counselors tried to help. But I viewed them as part of the system. So I wouldn't drop my defenses and let anyone in. That attitude kept me locked in my rage and confusion.
I fought with everyone. I thought I was tough. But really I was so full of fear and anger that whoever was nearby was the enemy. It took many years of using and trouble with the law before I changed.
And what changed me was time. I started paying attention to others who had stories of abuse. Many of them suffered much worse than I had. And they were like me, always in trouble. Full of fear and rage.
When I saw myself in them I had a spiritual awakening. I came to accept that bad stuff had happened to me. But also to others. Unjustifiable things. Things humans shouldn't do to one another.
But I also came to realize that no matter what happened it wasn't worth living my life suffering over it. And I decided to change.
Part of that change was putting down the bottle over 25 years ago. Part of it was deciding that I wasn't going to let sick people hold me hostage any longer.
That's when I took the first steps down the path to emotional freedom. And today my life works.
