I have occasion to give families advice about their children who are using. And I always tell them pretty much the same thing: kick them out of the house. Tell them you won't help until they get into recovery. Don't do anything to help them continue their addiction. And because I have addicts in my family, including some who have died of our disease, I'm able to explain that I practice the same thing in my life.
I have a family member who's angry with me because I'm treating him differently now than when he was sober. He's asked other members of the family why I have a "grudge" against him. He seems mystified as to why I don't socialize with him, or invite him on family outings. But the reality is I don't hang out with addicts or alcoholics who are using. I apply the same standards in my personal life that I do in other areas of my life.
Nearly all of my business and social contacts are people in recovery. With the exception of a few business contacts, everyone else I'm in touch with are people in recovery. When those in my social circle relapse they are no longer welcome in my home. And because I'm in the recovery business, of course, people who are using stay away.
The only help I give to people who are using is to direct them to a detoxification facility, a treatment center, or 12-step meetings. I don't know any other way to help them.
To those outside the world of addiction and recovery this might seem a heartless, hardhearted stance to take with a loved one. But this is the only thing that worked with me. When my family and friends told me they were through and wouldn't help me anymore, that's when I started to change. They weren't buying my stories anymore about being a victim of the system or the police having it in for me. I was always whining about how if people had my problems they'd do drugs and drink too. Eventually people got tired of hearing these sad tales and told me they wouldn't do anything for me anymore. Oh I thought they were cruel and mean. But they saved my life.
I often ask parents, "do you want to love your child to death?" Because more than once I've seen parents cater to children who were using and one day find them dead of an overdose. And this has happened several times with people I've told the same things I'm saying in this blog. I recently encountered a couple I gave this advice to as they were removing their son (against our advice) from our program because he said we were treating him badly. When I asked how their son was doing, they told me that he had died of an overdose of cocaine within a few weeks of leaving TLC. I'll never forget the look in their eyes...
It is hard. Both my father and mother died of their addiction, they were only in their 40's. My sister is in the hospital. Her addiction is making her sick. I wish she could see that. I hope and pray that she finds the rooms of AA. I do not want to bury my older sister like I had to bury both my parents. All I can do from a DISTANCE is pray, let her know there is help if she wants it, be a good example, especially for my seventeen year old niece. It is just very hard sometimes when it is your family. I still have no doubt about it, TLC saved my life not once but twice. I feel very fortunate and grateful. I hop my sister and others find recovery.
ReplyDeleteAnd I pray that your sister finds the rooms. All you can do is pray.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much John. Glad to see you back.
ReplyDeleteThanks, good to be home
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has just left Florida to attend TLC and I pray that she does change and gets better. She has been an addict for more then 6 years and has a 6 year old daughter that my wife and I have custody of right now. Unless she has a heart change and wants to get better I think this is all for nothing. She has played the system for a long time and only does things when forced. You are correct that you have to let go and let the addict be tossed out otherwise you do nothing but enable them. My wife has such a great heart which makes it very hard to let go and places at times a wedge between us when it comes to our daughter. I know that we cannot help her without first letting go. That does not mean we do not love her but it means that we can no longer enable her. We have lost so much time and money thinking we could help her. My granddaughters father passed away last year from a drug over dose and his family was doing the same thing we have been. The writing is on the wall and my daughter is heading down the same path if we didn't take our hands off.
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I pray for her success but ultimately it is up to her to change.