The father's voice was hesitant, a hint of pain in his words.

“Can you tell me how my son’s doing?” he asked, when I answered my phone.

He was calling from a mid-western state and was concerned about his son, who’d been using drugs and alcohol and who’d been in and out of recovery programs, including TLC.

I didn’t know the son because we have over 600 clients in houses across Arizona and Nevada. But when he gave me the name I told him I’d make some inquiries and call back – which I did about an hour later. The news was good: the son is sober today, looking for work, and adhering to our guidelines.

But the exchange with this anxious father leads to the larger issue of how our disease impacts those around us.

In counseling groups I conduct addicts often maintain they never hurt anyone when they were using, only themselves. They rationalize-

“I never ripped off my family."
“I never stole anything.”
“I worked hard on the job.”
“I stayed away from my family when I was using.” And on and on…

However, I immediately disabuse them of the idea they never hurt anyone when drinking and drugging. First of all the idea of a nice speed freak, heroin addict, or drunk is counterintuitive. But, even assuming an addict is exceptionally nice and didn’t take money or other assets from the family there are other ways an addict inflicts damage.

When we are in the grips of our disease we aren’t present for others. When we‘re pursuing drugs and alcohol we aren’t emotionally present for our loved ones. Oh, we can say we love our family and friends. But love is not an empty phrase we mumble as evidence of our care.

Love is helping our kids with their homework. Love is paying bills for the family. Love is providing the emotional security our wife and children need when facing the challenges of daily life. Love is not getting arrested and having our family visit courts and jails. Love is being home, instead of being at a crack house while our family anxiously wonders if we’re alive.

If our clients could listen in on the emotional, heart-wrenching, conversations I often have with distraught parents they might change their minds about not harming anyone while they were using.