Sometimes resentment can be all-consuming. A TLC client held a burning resentment at a relative who'd molested his younger sister. He said he couldn't understand how anyone could have done something like that.

I had several discussions with the client about this issue. I agreed with him that what his sister had gone through was horrible. And what his relative had done was indefensible and deserving of the punishment he received. But then I shared with him what I'd once heard about resentment: it's like taking a poison pill and waiting for the other person to die. When I heard this aphorism in a 12-step meeting, I immediately recognized it as true. And often times, ironically, the person we’re angry at doesn't know we're angry.

I heard a speaker at a 12 step convention one time explain this point so succinctly. He said his sponsor had asked him to make a list of his resentments. He worked on the list diligently. In fact, it grew to several pages. The speaker was so proud of his work that he took it to a print shop and had a fancy cover put on it. When he met his sponsor he proudly presented his work. He said it angered him when the sponsor took the book, and without even looking at it, dropped it in a nearby trashcan.

"What did you do that?" The speaker asked his sponsor angrily.

"You know," said the sponsor, “the people on that list don't even know you have a resentment or that you’re angry at them. And the ones who do know are happy you're mad at them."

The speaker went on to say that the experience with his sponsor made him realize resentments were futile. At that point he changed the way he dealt with them.

Before ending this discussion with our client I encouraged him to forgive the relative who’d committed the offense against his sister. And I explained to him what I had been taught: that forgiving does not mean forgetting or condoning. It's just a healthy step to help us not to walk around with a capsule of poison inside of us.