Feeling Exposed

Vulnerability was the topic of our aftercare group. Some members haven't gotten into sober relationships because they fear failure. They think the emotional, gut-wrenching, pain of a breakup might drive them back to drugs or alcohol. In varying degrees they're afraid to let people get close. Without the comforting protection of chemicals they feel vulnerable in a new landscape of unfamiliar feelings.

One man's suggestion was to enter into relationships accepting that they might not work - something that's worked for him. While his attitude may seem cavalier, acceptance of what might happen may insulate us against negative emotions. With acceptance, there are no surprises.

Other suggestions included becoming more transparent, taking time to get to know the other person, to not have expectations about the outcome, or to develop a sense of humor.

Because most of the group's relationships were during addictions most didn't experience pain if things didn't work. We didn't think about hurt feelings. We were about immediate gratification, then on to the next drink or drug. If someone didn't like what we were doing we told them goodbye. A drink or drug blotted any residual pain.

The consensus was to let the other person know we feel vulnerable – to perhaps develop a better relationship with the other person by telling them we feel exposed as a means of developing good sober relationships..