Stop Enabling

I exchanged emails over the weekend with a distraught mother who was asking about her 40-something son who’d recently paroled to her home after five years in prison.

She said she’d found two syringes in his room and when she confronted him he denied being an addict.  He told her he was simply engaging in some “social cocaine use,” that he was just having “fun.”  She wanted my opinion.

Of course, I explained to her that I’d never heard injecting cocaine described as “social” activity, especially by someone doing it in a room by themselves.

When she said he was in prison for drug possession I told her it was clear that he had some kind of issues with drugs. I told her we're willing to help – but that he had to be motivated.

This story illustrates the sad effect our disease has on those around us. When we're using we'll lie to our loved ones, we'll disrespect their homes, and treat them like they're stupid. And in this case the mother has other issues - including a sick husband and pressing financial problems. But this man - who claims he's not an addict - is only making her situation worse because of his self-centeredness.

I told this mother the same thing I tell anyone: she’s powerless to help until he’s ready.  All she can do is to quit enabling him. If he won’t seek help she should evict him to stop giving him financial support by letting him live in her house. Once people stop enabling him he might realize he has a problem

It worked for me.