Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Carrying the Past

A middle-aged client speaks in group about carrying the burdens of his past. He walked prison yards for years due to his addictions. And when he wasn’t locked up he was often homeless.

He spends a lot of time reflecting on his history, sorting through the crimes he committed. The opportunities he missed.  The relationships he ruined.

He wonders if could he have done something different. Could he have changed his life and not wasted all his time in self-gratification?

This client is characteristic of many addicts. Though it gains us nothing, we waste time sifting through the wreckage of our past, looking for meaning.

But the only meaning we find is that this is something we don’t want to do again. That’s it. That’s the only value in digging into our bad memories. We see this moldering wreckage as something we no longer want to live with.

If we do this a lot we become depressed about the path we were on. As though we made a decision to grow up as addicts and alcoholics! We started out having fun and wanting to belong. Then we crossed a line and got lost in unfamiliar territory.. Our disease took over and we paid a heavy price.

Instead of his depressing reflection, someone suggests that this addict live in the moment. The past is dangerous territory, a place that most of us addicts will never be completely comfortable with.