And it's not like nightmares others tell me about. Some people tell me about nightmares about falling. Or that people are chasing them. Perhaps they’re using drugs or drinking. Maybe they're drowning. Or they're lost. But mine aren't like that.
My dreams go like this: I'm living in a bad neighborhood. I don’t have a job. I don't have a car. The landlord's about to evict me. Sometimes in the dream I'll get into contact with a former employer or business associate and ask for help. Right before I wake up I'm feeling depressed and hopeless.
Then I awaken and find it's not real, that I was having a nightmare. And I feel good because I realize that I have the things I've acquired since I got sober many years ago – including a couple of jobs. My cars are still in the driveway. And my wallet's on the nightstand.
And of course, being a drug addict, I wonder where these dreams come from after years of successful recovery.
Could it be from my underprivileged childhood where I thought everyone had more than I? Does it come from my insecure life as a drug user, where every time I turned around I lost everything and went to jail?
Maybe these unresolved memories bubble up from my subconscious to play themselves out in my dreams. And perhaps – no matter how long I live a stable and sober life – they'll never completely disappear.
I suppose that, no matter how long we're clean, we bear some residual effects from the paths we were on.
