In last night's aftercare group the subject of relationships came up. One client, who had talked during previous groups about wanting a relationship, was discussing his current situation with a woman he’d recently met.

He said that she seemed to always want something. She needed help fixing her car. She might want to borrow a cigarette or two. Each time she saw him, there was something she wanted. He was dismayed by this.

"Have you ever been in a successful relationship?" I asked him.

"I was married about 20 years ago," he replied. "But we've been divorced for a number of years."

"So it wasn't a successful relationship?" He agreed, and we moved on.

Without reconstructing a lot of dialog the gist of the conversation was he’d never been in a successful relationship. His first marriage disintegrated over his drinking and irresponsibility. He had no experience about what to expect from a relationship.

The group suggested that relationships are give and take. There are few lasting relationships where we get to do nothing. We do things for our mate. They do things for us. We take pleasure in doing these things. If we love someone we want to make their life better. We want them to be comfortable. We want them to succeed in whatever they're doing. Part of contributing to a relationship is getting out of our comfort zone and doing what we might not want to do at the moment. If our sweetheart wants us to carry the laundry upstairs, that's what we do. If they want their car washed, we take care of it. If they're hungry or thirsty, we bring them food, or we make a stop at Starbucks for them. If they want to talk, we listen. This minutia is what relationships are all about.

Our client really didn't have the first clue about where to start. Group members gave him ideas. Among the suggestions were that he would have to be proactive. He was relatively shy and didn't know how to ask her for what he wanted. The women he’d been involved with in the past had initiated the relationship. He had no experience in how to approach this woman.

A few clients came up with good ideas. One idea was to first be a friend to the woman. A client pointed out that being a friend was doing things for others. He believed that what the woman was asking was not unreasonable. Friends need help with their cars. Friends might need a cigarette or money for a snack. Our client said this woman had two children which, as another group member pointed out, can be expensive.

The group concluded with the client unsure about what he was going to do next. Since he seemed quite sensitive about his inexperience with relationships we're not sure what he'll come back with next week.