Today I received a very sweet email from a woman in Ohio. She reads this blog every day. And she talked specifically about the benefits she gets from some of them. And those are the ones that deal with parents who have children that are addicted.
See, one of the things it says in the 12 steps is that we carry the message to others who are still suffering. And it doesn't necessarily prescribe how we carry the message. It just says that we carry the message.
So, in some ways I think that that's what this blog is mostly about. Doing my part to help people understand us addicts a little better. And in particular, I like to help relieve parents of the guilt they express when they write to me about their children – and sometimes grandchildren.
As the parent of an addict, I know that I didn't do my best in raising him. Because I was usually in a state institution or I was in some state of my addiction. I was one of the most unqualified people in the world to be a parent. And like most children, none of mine are a result of Planned Parenthood.
But what a lot of parents don't understand about their children who have an addiction is that the addiction is their priority. It's not that they love their parents less, it's that they love the drug more. And if they don't have their drug of choice they're going to be in a lot of pain for a while. And if it's a choice of killing the pain or doing what mom or dad wishes you know the one they always choose-they kill the pain 99% of the time.
For you parents of addicts who are reading this right now forget your guilt. Or shame. Or anger. Instead focus on the positive. The positive is that maybe your kid will get clean and sober.
And this is the part that always bothers people: I always tell people to do nothing for a child who is addicted except help them get to their first treatment or detox program.
If they fail at recovery don't be shocked when they blame it on the quality of the program or the counselors. The reality is that there are many wonderful programs in this country. And most any of them will work if your child does his or her part.
Life with an addict child is tough. But you must be tougher. You must be able to say no to his or her excuses. Because if you don't you'll always be delaying the inevitable. Remember that you're no longer talking to your child – you're talking to the drug. And the drug is powerful, more powerful than you are. An addict can progress from occasional use to full addiction in a short period, almost overnight. And when that happens don't be surprised if you hear about your child being involved in stealing, prostitution, going to jail, driving drunk, robbing others - and the list goes on.
Please remember that guilt, anger, and shame can overwhelm us. These are natural reactions. But do not indulge in them. Because it won't do any good. It will cause you to make irrational decisions that will hurt your health and your emotional state. Remember that you did what you thought was the best thing to do for your child at the time. But you aren’t the one that introduced the poison they put in their body. Though they'd like to blame you.
Could we have done better? Of course we could. But we need not destroy ourselves over the past. If you can help in a positive way by getting the kids sober – great. If not, accept his or her addiction. Because, believe me, life will teach them it's own lessons.
