Teach Others How To Treat Us

            "I'm so stressed out," the young woman said in a TLC aftercare group. "People don't treat me with respect, and they're always picking on me."

            "Why do you let them do this to you?" I asked. "After all, we teach people how to treat us."

She said she'd been treated this way all of her life, since she was a child. And she really didn't seem to know how to change this aspect of her behavior that made her seem a powerless victim.

I suggested she let people know how to treat her. They need to know when they crossed her boundaries. She claimed she didn't like to be "confrontational." I asked if she knew the difference between being confrontational and being assertive. I told her it's okay to let people know when they offended her. She could simply tell them "I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me that way."  Or else, she could say "I don't appreciate it when you joke around with me like that."  I pointed out that her behavior let people know it was easy to push her buttons, to get her irritated. And some people took advantage of her because it might give them a sense of power. She listened to what was said but I knew that it was going to take a while for her to put these ideas into practice.

A characteristic of  addicts and alcoholics is we are overly sensitive about nearly everything. Many of us have have lived for so long in a world of chaos and uncertainty that we are super sensitive to those around us. The reality is that most people are thinking about their own lives and their own issues and aren't concerned about us. But our fragile egos tell us otherwise.

I tell those I counsel that the best way to resolve many communication problems is to let people know, in an appropriate manner, exactly how we feel and what's going on with us. When we do this, two things happen: one, we let people know where we stand; and two, we let them know we respect them by wanting a clear communication with them.